Ohio State vs. Michigan Jokes; Open Thread

Let’s hear ‘em. Post your jokes below.

UPDATE: Since this is such a popular post, I’ve moved the jokes submitted by Webmaster 3000 below to the orignal post:

Q: Why did Michigan change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Michigan cheerleaders from grazing at half time.

One day in an elementary school in Ann Arbor Michigan, a teacher asks her class if the Michigan Wolverines are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes except for Little Jimmy.
The teacher asks, “What’s your favorite football team Jimmy?”
Little Jimmy says, “The Ohio State Buckeyes.”
The teacher asks, “Well, why is that?”
Little Jimmy says, “Well, my dad is a Buckeye fan, my mom is a Buckeye fan, I guess that makes me a Buckeye fan.”
The teacher angered by his reply says, “If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?”
Little Jimmy says, “Well, I guess that would make me a Michigan fan.”

One foggy night, a Buckeye fan was heading north from Columbus and a Michigan fan was driving south from Ann Arbor. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Michigan fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I’m lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Buckeye fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.
The Wolverine fan walks over to the Buckeye fan and says, “Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.”
The Buckeye fan thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I’m going to see if something else survived the wreck.”
The Buckeye fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel’s. He says to the Wolverine, “I think this is another sign–we should toast to our newfound friendship.” The Wolverine fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Wolverine fan hands it back to the Buckeye fan and says, “Your turn!”
The Buckeye fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, “Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to show up.”

Q: What do Michigan and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: What’s the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That’s the last place you would find a football player.

Q: Why don’t University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Why should the University of Michigan change its name to the “Opossums”?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool

Q: What do you get when you cross a groundhog and a Wolverine?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.
The genie said to the General, “I will grant you one wish.” The General replied, “I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war.”
The genie responded, “I’m not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish.”
“Well,” the General responds, “then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?”
After a moment, the genie says, “Let me see that map again.”

Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There’s some things that a pig will not do.

Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it’s a sophomore course.

Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q. What did the Michigan graduate say to the Ohio State graduate?
A. “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order, please?”

It was reported that Michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What’s the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
A: Columbus: 187 Miles

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting “This is for the Fighting Irish!” as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, “This is for the Nittany Lions!”
Seeing this the OSU grad walked over and shouted “This is for the Buckeyes!” and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

Just the phrase Super Bowl alone rushes adrenaline through your veins, and the fact that it is between Baltimore Ravens and Buffalo Bills is just too much.

Comments

  1. Luis says

    Obligatory and not funny anymore joke:

    What kind of battery does it take to beat Michigan?

    It takes 1-AA

  2. says

    Q: Why did Michigan change their field from grass to artificial turf?
    A: To keep the Michigan cheerleaders from grazing at half time.

    One day in an elementary school in Ann Arbor Michigan, a teacher asks her class if the Michigan Wolverines are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes except for Little Jimmy.
    The teacher asks, “What’s your favorite football team Jimmy?”
    Little Jimmy says, “The Ohio State Buckeyes.”
    The teacher asks, “Well, why is that?”
    Little Jimmy says, “Well, my dad is a Buckeye fan, my mom is a Buckeye fan, I guess that makes me a Buckeye fan.”
    The teacher angered by his reply says, “If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?”
    Little Jimmy says, “Well, I guess that would make me a Michigan fan.”

    One foggy night, a Buckeye fan was heading north from Columbus and a Michigan fan was driving south from Ann Arbor. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
    The Michigan fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I’m lucky to be alive!”
    Likewise, the Buckeye fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.
    The Wolverine fan walks over to the Buckeye fan and says, “Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.”
    The Buckeye fan thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I’m going to see if something else survived the wreck.”
    The Buckeye fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel’s. He says to the Wolverine, “I think this is another sign–we should toast to our newfound friendship.” The Wolverine fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Wolverine fan hands it back to the Buckeye fan and says, “Your turn!”
    The Buckeye fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, “Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to show up.”

    Q: What do Michigan and pot have in common?
    A: They both get smoked in bowls!

    Q: What’s the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
    A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

    Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
    A: On the University of Michigan campus. That’s the last place you would find a football player.

    Q: Why don’t University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
    A: Because cats keep covering them up.

    Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
    A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

    Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
    A: A visitor.

    Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
    A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

    Q: Why should the University of Michigan change its name to the “Opossums”?
    A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

    Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
    A: Drool

    Q: What do you get when you cross a groundhog and a Wolverine?
    A: Six more weeks of bad football.

    General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.
    The genie said to the General, “I will grant you one wish.” The General replied, “I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war.”
    The genie responded, “I’m not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish.”
    “Well,” the General responds, “then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?”
    After a moment, the genie says, “Let me see that map again.”

    Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
    A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours

    Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
    A: Nothing. There’s some things that a pig will not do.

    Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, it’s a sophomore course.

    Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
    The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
    Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

    Q. What did the Michigan graduate say to the Ohio State graduate?
    A. “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order, please?”

    It was reported that Michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

    Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
    A: Pay him for the pizza.

    Q: What’s the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
    A: Columbus: 187 Miles

    Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
    As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting “This is for the Fighting Irish!” as he fell to his doom.
    Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, “This is for the Nittany Lions!”
    Seeing this the OSU grad walked over and shouted “This is for the Buckeyes!” and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
    GO BUCKS!

  3. says

    When Bo died last year, he went up to heaven (yeah, he got in) to find St. Peter waiting for him. St. Pete greeted him and said, “Bo, come on in, we’ve been expecting you. Let me take you to your new place.”

    St. Pete lead Bo down the road until they got to this cozy little cabin, a little worn for wear, with a little Michigan flag waving in the front yard.

    Bo moved in and made himself at home.

    That evening, Bo thought he’d go out for a walk and see the neighborhood. He walked about a block when he got to this giant mansion built out of scarlet and gray colored bricks. The driveway formed a Block O and the Ohio State Marching Band could be seen performing Script Ohio in the back yard.

    Bo didn’t know what to think. On his way home, he stopped by to see St. Peter.

    “I’m not one to complain,” Bo told St. Peter. “But why does Woody have such an amazing house and I just have that little cabin.”

    “I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” St. Peter replied.

    “That house, about a block from my house. Why does Woody get a mansion and I only get this little cabin,” Bo said.

    St. Peter took one look at where Bo was pointing and said, “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s not Woody’s house. That house belongs to God.”

  4. jacob whisler says

    one day a michigan fan and an OSU fan were in a bathroom. They got done and the OSU fan was about to leave. The Michigan fan said to the OSU fan “At michigan they teach us to wash our hands. The OSU fan looks at the Michigan fan and says “At OSU they teach us not to pee all over ourselfs

  5. buckeymaniac says

    one day an OSU fan a michigan fan and a notre dame fan were having a race to see who could jump off a bridge and see who made it down first. The michigan fan lost of course cuz he had to stop and ask for directions

  6. says

    It’s 4th and goal, with Michigan having the ball at the Ohio State 3. OSU leads 17-13 with 2 seconds to play. Rich Rodriguez calls his last time out.

    Rodriguez looks towards the Heavens and says, “God, it’s been a rough year. I understand you letting Notre Dame beat us, but making us lose to Toledo was just mean. I know I’ve used your name in vain too often this season, but I really need this win. What play should I call?”

    And all of a sudden, Rodriguez, and only him, hears a bellowing voice, “Pro, king, 48 toss.”

    Rodriguez’s eyes light up. He looks up, sees the face of God. “Yes, that’s it,” he exclaims, “Thanks God.”

    So he sends in the play. Nick Sheridan tosses the ball to Brandon Minor around the right end. Minor sees a hole, cuts inside, and looks like he will score. Rodriguez throws his arms up in the air in triumph.

    Then, all of a sudden, James Laurinaitis comes out of nowhere, and tackles Minor just short of the goal line. Ohio Stadium erupts, as Rodriguez falls to his knees, stunned.

    He looks up, and sees God’s face again. Sorrowfully, he asks, “God, why did you tell me to call that play?”

    God hesitates, looks to his left, and says, “Hey Woody, why did we call that play?”

  7. kmzipsgolf says

    Little Rhett was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up— fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

    Little Rhett was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. ‘My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.’

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Rhett aside to ask him, ‘Is that really true about your father?’

    ‘No,’ said little Rhett, ‘He coaches Michigan football, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.’

  8. says

    It looks like some of the jokes got lost in last weeks crash. I’m going through old emails now to restore them.

    Naturally, my voting system also broke down. Although I’ve brought together a top notch group of judges, feel free to nominate your favorite.

  9. Bryan says

    Q: How do you stop a Michigan fan from masterbating?

    A: Paint his dick scarlet and gray. he wont beat it for four yearsc

  10. MaliBuckeye says

    What do you get when you cross a Wolverine with a groundhog?

    Six more weeks of crappy football.

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