(Even without power, The Eggman goes above and beyond for you, loyal reader)
Yes, that’s it. The Buckeyes got their asses handed to them by the University of Spoiled Children. There is no DOG (God Spelled Backwards). Please. To prove this point, he smote us down with 75 mile per hour winds, knocking out power in Columbus until this Sunday (September 20th). What’s worse is all the AEP (American Electric and Power) trucks are rolling south to help LSU and Florida fans bring their satellite dishes back on-line at their squalid red-neck hovels while we cut down trees and take 7 days of cold showers. And, their illiterate smack will be backlogged on our email whenever we come back online. Then, we’re on the defensive. It’s tough when you start a sentence with, “We do not suck!”
To make another point, I’m sitting at a Starbuck’s for coffee and Internet — which is against my constitution because I think they and Juan Valdez are in it to take over the world. And, what am I wearing? A friggin’ The Ohio State University long-sleeve T-shirt like some Betty that’s serving penance doing a 7-day walk of shame. And, a black 2002 National Champions hat… Why do we take this abuse? You know it has to do with the Buckeyes. We know the Browns, Bengals, Blue Jackets all suck. See a pattern? They all have a similar letter in them which is in the same word as (B)ullshit.
Maybe Zeus is trying to tell us something, here. He should have at least thrown some lightening bolts to get it over with so I don’t have to do yard work or listen to the missus bitch about needing batteries, food, water, darkness and clean whitey tighties. Okay, the last one is my grievance. The least she could do is go down to Turkey Run Creek which flows from the OSU Golf Course behind our house and pound my underwear on some rocks with some Tide. Then I can take a camera phone picture with what little batteries I have left and broadcast the image across the ailing Buckeye Nation to make everyone realize that “It’s not all that bad.” But, I digress.
There’s a bunch of crying going on in Columbus – finger-pointing at it’s worst. Here’s the Top Ten why the Buckeyes are victims:
10. The dumb-ass from the Geiger Administration scheduled our 3rd game at the Los Angeles Coliseum making us visitors in a hostile environment, which we rarely win against USC. Jet lag and glitz take their toll… Woody would have crapped on this boner!
9. USC had a bye week to scout us like LSU and Florida had more than a month in the BCS Championships to perforate the OSU Neanderthal defense and stultify or fat-ass Big Ten lineman (not the kind from AEP that are MIA, BFD, and NFW. We need and miss them).
8. Beanie Wells is hurt. You’ll have that. But, what about our all senior team and All American line? Yes, the one that OU (Ohio University) stuffed and man-handled.
7. Maurice Wells, should have transferred when he threatened to because that dread-lock wearin’ wuss can’t run between the tackles. Cut your hair and let our freshman “Boom” Herron go where the Buckeyes like to run, Up the Gut, Baby!
6. Our kicking (not “Special”) teams have stunk up three games in a row, with 3 missed PATs in the last two and one missed chip shot field goal against USC. Yes, I’ve won four of eight quarters in football pools. Thanks to you dorks, I’ve got two weeks of lunch money for the babies, a pedicure for mama, and beer money for The Big Kuhuna. Guess who? I bet the average student on the Oval wondered who the two goons were snapping the ball in the rain and darkness 24/7 last week. If you didn’t guess, it’s the snapper and the holder — the guys people seldom remember or draft, depend on and ridicule as I am when they screw the pooch.
5. Our wide outs aren’t as impressive as we’d like to think. I’d give them a B- not and A grade. Hartline is a smart receiver that’s good at going over the middle. Kind of a Brian Brennan possession receiver. Robiskie has smarts also and more speed. Neither are a threat. Whomever we try as our third receiver, Ray Small or Brandon Saine (Mr. Ohio) aren’t working out as the legendary “Bam” Childress (Mr. Ohio) hadn’t either. The complete “air” package has a flat.
4. Both Freshman DeVier (someone please provide an interpretation – like French word for “The Man”) Posey and Thomas are burners like Santonio (Spanish word for “From Miami with three kids, leaving for the NFL early – doing quite well for the Steelers) Holmes was. They put the fear of DOG in the Bucks D during Spring practice and have blown away DBs when the get to play. Didn’t see ‘em against USC though. Derrrr. Our bad. Stick with what’s not working is what I always say. Really. Einstein’s definition of insanity is “Solving different problems the same way ending in the same result.” You lose! OSU should give me a sideline ticket to every game, a red “not hit” jersey, and a rolled us newspaper so I can whack Tress when a play doesn’t work. We can call the experiment “The Eggman’s DOG.”
3. Offensive play calling. When something doesn’t work, you try something different until it does and conversely, when something does work you do it until “they” stop it. Remember Charles White from USC? Coach McKay called it “Student Body Right.” He ran it all day and won. Remember when we were 12 points up on Texas when we had a great running game, then threw three passes and out to give the ball back to Vince Young so we could kiss or collective asses good-bye? My friends and I all remember sitting in the stands screaming “Run Forrest, run!” to no avail… You know what I’m saying here, Dr. Skinner. A monkey will try to grab a banana until the shocking quits. Or something like that. You see how easy it is to get confused, and I’m not making $2 million a year to f-up.
2. Coaching. Today our red-vested savior threw Boekman under the bus. It’s rare, which means Coach T is pissed, saying that the “Interception was solely the Quarterback’s fault… that he failed his “quick read”… blah… blah… and game the game multiple times… that Terrelle Pryor will share 50% time against Troy (who just might beat us). The gist is that Tressel would rather sack the QB than his stodgy, flat-earth coaching staff. Totally classless, yet imperative to quell the blame game. Joe Pa would never do that, just quietly change staff until it works. PSU is a force to be reckoned with this year.
1. It’s The Buckeye Nation’s fault. It’s our fault for feeling bad when we’ve been in the BCS Championship 3 of 6 years winning 1. Bite me, cry babies. Alabama, Colorado, Miami, Notre Dame, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas A &M, UCLA, Washington, etc. are programs that have gone south. What about Michigan? It could be worse.
I’m going to go make some sandwiches for the tree workers with unrefrigerated, 4-day old lunch meat. Maybe that’ll make me feel better… MyEggs are spoiled.