Get Your Michigan Jokes: The Second Annual Ohio State/Michigan Joke Contest is Here

Update: Be sure to check out the 2010 contest Michigan Joke Contest. I’ve got great a great prize and will take entries up until I get to judging them. You can read the latest jokes here. here.

What startewoody-dvdd as an open thread in 2007 has turned into a library of Michigan jokes. And while it’s getting harder and harder to post a new joke, that’s what it will take to win the second annual Mich1AAgan joke contest.

Post your favorite Meatchicken joke below for your chance to win a copy of “Woody Hayes’ Ohio State Buckeyes” on DVD.

Our esteemed staff of comedic experts will pick (possibly at random) the best as the winner of this year’s prize.

Here’s my 2009 entry.

(Update) For those of you who stopped by here earlier, I’m afraid I couldn’t get Ohio State Snuggie I was hoping to give away. Don’t worry, the Woody Hayes DVD is good. This year’s jokes start with “Shoeworkers” below.

I’ve included jokes from the past two years below the picture and you can see last year’s winning joke here.  Enjoy!

webmaster3000 November 14, 2007 at 12:52 pm [edit]

Q: Why did Michigan change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Michigan cheerleaders from grazing at half time.

One day in an elementary school in Ann Arbor Michigan, a teacher asks her class if the Michigan Wolverines are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes except for Little Jimmy.
The teacher asks, “What’s your favorite football team Jimmy?”
Little Jimmy says, “The Ohio State Buckeyes.”
The teacher asks, “Well, why is that?”
Little Jimmy says, “Well, my dad is a Buckeye fan, my mom is a Buckeye fan, I guess that makes me a Buckeye fan.”
The teacher angered by his reply says, “If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?”
Little Jimmy says, “Well, I guess that would make me a Michigan fan.”

One foggy night, a Buckeye fan was heading north from Columbus and a Michigan fan was driving south from Ann Arbor. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Michigan fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I’m lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Buckeye fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.
The Wolverine fan walks over to the Buckeye fan and says, “Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.”
The Buckeye fan thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I’m going to see if something else survived the wreck.”
The Buckeye fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel’s. He says to the Wolverine, “I think this is another sign–we should toast to our newfound friendship.” The Wolverine fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Wolverine fan hands it back to the Buckeye fan and says, “Your turn!”
The Buckeye fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, “Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to show up.”

Q: What do Michigan and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q: What’s the difference between a University of Michigan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
A: On the University of Michigan campus. That’s the last place you would find a football player.

Q: Why don’t University of Michigan fans let their kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because cats keep covering them up.

Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Michigan library?
A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Why should the University of Michigan change its name to the “Opossums”?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What does the average University of Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool

Q: What do you get when you cross a groundhog and a Wolverine?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

General Schwarzkopf was walking through the desert during the Gulf War when he found a lamp on the ground. He picked it up, rubbed, and out came a genie.
The genie said to the General, “I will grant you one wish.” The General replied, “I wish that we will win this war. Here is a map of the desert and all the war parties. Please make us win the war.”
The genie responded, “I’m not that powerful of a genie. I cannot grant you that wish.”
“Well,” the General responds, “then can you have University of Michigan win a bowl game this year?”
After a moment, the genie says, “Let me see that map again.”

Q: How do you make University of Michigan cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours

Q: What do you get when you cross a University of Michigan fan and a pig?
A: Nothing. There’s some things that a pig will not do.

Q: How many University of Michigan freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it’s a sophomore course.

Ann Arbor News Report: Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the practice field.
The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Q. What did the Michigan graduate say to the Ohio State graduate?
A. “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order, please?”

It was reported that Michigan head football coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing twenty players for the Ohio State game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Q: How do you get a Michigan grad off of your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What’s the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor?
A: Columbus: 187 Miles

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting “This is for the Fighting Irish!” as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, “This is for the Nittany Lions!”
Seeing this the OSU grad walked over and shouted “This is for the Buckeyes!” and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
GO BUCKS!

Annapolisbuckeye November 14, 2007 at 9:52 pm [edit]

That’s the stuff we’re looking for!!

A big thanks goes out to Webmaster 3000.

Annapolisbuckeye November 15, 2007 at 5:00 am [edit]

When Bo died last year, he went up to heaven (yeah, he got in) to find St. Peter waiting for him. St. Pete greeted him and said, “Bo, come on in, we’ve been expecting you. Let me take you to your new place.”

St. Pete lead Bo down the road until they got to this cozy little cabin, a little worn for wear, with a little Michigan flag waving in the front yard.

Bo moved in and made himself at home.

That evening, Bo thought he’d go out for a walk and see the neighborhood. He walked about a block when he got to this giant mansion built out of scarlet and gray colored bricks. The driveway formed a Block O and the Ohio State Marching Band could be seen performing Script Ohio in the back yard.

Bo didn’t know what to think. On his way home, he stopped by to see St. Peter.

“I’m not one to complain,” Bo told St. Peter. “But why does Woody have such an amazing house and I just have that little cabin.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” St. Peter replied.

“That house, about a block from my house. Why does Woody get a mansion and I only get this little cabin,” Bo said.

St. Peter took one look at where Bo was pointing and said, “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s not Woody’s house. That house belongs to God.”

jacob whisler September 21, 2008 at 2:05 am [edit]

one day a michigan fan and an OSU fan were in a bathroom. They got done and the OSU fan was about to leave. The Michigan fan said to the OSU fan “At michigan they teach us to wash our hands. The OSU fan looks at the Michigan fan and says “At OSU they teach us not to pee all over ourselfs

buckeymaniac September 21, 2008 at 2:09 am [edit]

one day an OSU fan a michigan fan and a notre dame fan were having a race to see who could jump off a bridge and see who made it down first. The michigan fan lost of course cuz he had to stop and ask for directions

white jokes October 26, 2008 at 4:14 pm [edit]

Thanks you’ve posted some awesome jokes!

Steven November 8, 2008 at 3:26 pm [edit]

Q. Why di they stop serving ice at Michigan games?

A. The senoir who knew the recipe graduated

Mike November 20, 2008 at 6:53 am [edit]

It’s 4th and goal, with Michigan having the ball at the Ohio State 3. OSU leads 17-13 with 2 seconds to play. Rich Rodriguez calls his last time out.

Rodriguez looks towards the Heavens and says, “God, it’s been a rough year. I understand you letting Notre Dame beat us, but making us lose to Toledo was just mean. I know I’ve used your name in vain too often this season, but I really need this win. What play should I call?”

And all of a sudden, Rodriguez, and only him, hears a bellowing voice, “Pro, king, 48 toss.”

Rodriguez’s eyes light up. He looks up, sees the face of God. “Yes, that’s it,” he exclaims, “Thanks God.”

So he sends in the play. Nick Sheridan tosses the ball to Brandon Minor around the right end. Minor sees a hole, cuts inside, and looks like he will score. Rodriguez throws his arms up in the air in triumph.

Then, all of a sudden, James Laurinaitis comes out of nowhere, and tackles Minor just short of the goal line. Ohio Stadium erupts, as Rodriguez falls to his knees, stunned.

He looks up, and sees God’s face again. Sorrowfully, he asks, “God, why did you tell me to call that play?”

God hesitates, looks to his left, and says, “Hey Woody, why did we call that play?”

kmzipsgolf November 20, 2008 at 8:32 pm [edit]

Little Rhett was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up— fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

Little Rhett was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. ‘My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.’

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Rhett aside to ask him, ‘Is that really true about your father?’

‘No,’ said little Rhett, ‘He coaches Michigan football, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.’

kmzipsgolf November 21, 2008 at 5:28 am [edit]

Q: What time is it?
A: It’s 10:28PM, and Michigan still sucks.

Bryan November 25, 2008 at 6:49 pm [edit]

Q: How do you stop a Michigan fan from masterbating?

A: Paint his dick scarlet and gray. he wont beat it for four yearsc

MaliBuckeye November 25, 2008 at 6:54 pm [edit]

What do you get when you cross a Wolverine with a groundhog?

Six more weeks of crappy football.

Steve November 25, 2008 at 6:56 pm [edit]

Why won’t Michigan play OSU this year?
They can’t get past Toledo.

Update: Are you the Ohio State Buckeyes biggest fan? Let the world know. Enter our 2010 contest by clicking the link above.

Comments

  1. ShoeWorker says

    You’re stranded on a desert island with 3 people – a cannibal, a murderer, and a Michigan fan. Your gun only has 2 bullets left. Who do you shoot? The Michigan fan. Twice.

  2. Abe says

    A man walked into an Ann Arbor bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing a Michigan jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Michigan pom-poms.

    The bartender said, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!”

    The guy begged him, “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!”

    After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will both be thrown out if there’s any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

    The big game began with the Wolverines receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.

    With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

    The bartender said, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do when the Wolverines score a touchdown?”

    The owner replied, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 4 years.”

  3. says

    There is now a team from Michigan,

    To beat OSU is their wish again,

    But losing six straight,

    Seems likely their fate,

    That vict’ry, those boys, they will miss again.
    .
    .
    In Ann Arbor is Rodriguez, Rich,

    Too bad he can’t find his niche,

    Screams night and day,

    When things don’t go his way,

    Not beating the Bucks is a bitch.

  4. says

    Little johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their father did for a living. All the typical answer came up fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Little johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. Little johnny said “my father’s a exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out to the alley w/ some guy and make love w/ him for money.” The teacher, obviously shaken by the statement, hurriedly sent the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask “Is that really true about your father?” “No” said Little Johnny ” He coaches MICHIGAN’S FOOTBALL TEAM, but i was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids. ”

    http://skisteep.com/muckfichigan.jpg

  5. says

    Not many jokes this year but after locking our judges in a sound proof room for the last 48 hours, the finally came to a decision.

    Abe is our winner. Seems the judges liked the current events aspect of Abe’s touchdown celebrating dachshund.

    Abe will win a copy of the A&E Woody Hayes documentary. Thanks all for contributing.

  6. Rick Moore says

    Q: What is Rich Rodriguez’s biggest concern?
    A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?

    The University of Michigan team has adopted a new Honor System:
    ‘Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor’.

    The Wolverines are hoping for an undefeated season this year….
    11 Arrests, 0 convictions.

    Q: How did the Wolverines spend the first week of Spring Training?
    A: Studying their Miranda rights.

    UofM Recruit:
    As a high-school football coach, I’m aware that student
    athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob,
    was talking about one such player, who called him at home
    one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn’t
    home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the
    coach right away.
    “Just calm down, and I’ll have him call you as soon as he
    gets home,” the coach’s wife told him. “What’s your number?”
    The flustered kid replied, “Three.”

    Q. Where do you go in Ann Arbor in case of a tornado?
    A. To the Big House – they never have a
    touchdown there.

    Q. What do you call a Michigan Wolverine with a National Championship ring?
    A. A thief.

    RichRod, The Michigan football coach, walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.” The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, “Okay, now concentrate… what is two plus two?”
    The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “4?”
    “Did you say 4?!?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
    At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

    Q: What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan fans?
    A: A Whine Cellar

    Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
    A: A Buckeye Babe.

    Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
    A: Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

    Q: What words do you most often hear from a career minded U of M graduate?
    A: “Would you like fries with that?”

    Q: What are the four hardest years in the life of a Michigan Wolverine Player?
    A: Second Grade.

    Q: What do you call a 250 lb. Michigan female cheerleader?
    A: Anorexic

    Q: What is blue and yellow and has two teeth?
    A: The front row at Michigan Stadium.

    Q: What’s the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
    A: About 50 pounds.
    Q: How do you make up the difference?
    A: Force feed the elephant.

    Q: What is a Michigan football player’s favorite pick-up line?
    A: Didn’t we almost flunk out together?

    Q: How do you keep a Michigan player from drowning??
    A: Take your foot off their head.

    The only thing stopping Michigan cheerleaders from going to Jenny Craig is the door frame.

    Michigan babies are soo ugly their incubators are tinted.

    A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.” “But I’m a graduate of the University of Michigan,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

    A Professor invents an IQ machine that boosts a person’s IQ to 300 and then starts counting backward. He connects his wife to it, turns it off at 190, and she starts explaining quantum physics. He tries it out on his brother Bill, turns it off at 175, and Bill starts talking advanced calculus. Then he plugs in his cousin Bob. Just then the phone rings, and it’s a telemarketer. By the time he gets back to unplug Bob, the machine is counting down: 14 – 13 – 12. He slams the switch to “off,” shakes Bob and screams, “Say something!” and Bob says, “Go blue!”

    Q: Why did Michigan change their field from grass to artificial turf?
    A: To keep the Michigan cheerleaders from grazing at half time.

    UofM ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
    Time Limit: 3 WKS
    1. What language is spoken in France?
    2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
    3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    A. build a bridge
    B. sail the ocean
    C. lead an army or
    D. WRITE A PLAY

    4. What religion is the Pope?
    A. Jewish
    B. Catholic
    C. Hindu
    D. Polish
    E. Agnostic (check only one)
    5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
    6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
    7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximately)
    8. What are people in America’s far north called?
    A. Westerners
    B. Southerners
    C. Northerners
    9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton
    10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
    11. Where does rain come from?
    A. Macy’s
    B. a 7-11
    C. Canada
    D. the sky
    12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
    A. yes
    B. no
    13. What are coat hangers used for?
    14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
    15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
    16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
    17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    A. New York
    B. Florida
    C. Canada
    D. Wisconsin
    18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
    19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
    20. The University of Michigan tradition for efficiency began when? (approximately)
    A. B.C.
    B. A.D.
    D. still waiting

    *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

    GO BUCKS!!

  7. says

    Wow Rick. Great stuff. No contest at the moment but you’re a shoe in for next year.

    Is it just me or is this getting too easy?

  8. George says

    In class one day the teacher asked the class what there dad did for a living the teacher got all of the usual responses fireman, doctor, police man, piolit.. all ecept for little Jimmy. When the teacher asked Jimmy what his father did for a living he replied my dad is a gay rapist that works at clubs and sometimes on a good night he goes to the ally. Shocked the teacher took Jimmy out side the class room and asked him why he said that. Jimmy replied i was ashamed to say my dad is the assistant coach for the Michigan football team

  9. Bill says

    Michigan Cheerleaders are just like real Wolverines. They can only find some one to breed them once a year.

    Real wolverines have bad eyesight, is slow, and clumsy. The Michigan Wolverines are the same which explains the high reports male date rape crimes each school year.

    The wolverine is related to the weasel, they are known to be very shy and like most weasels the wolverine is scarcely seen in BCS games.

    What is the difference between a Wolverine Wide Reciever and an AIDS infected monkey? At least the monkey has caught something.

  10. Rick Moore says

    At Michigan University, there were four sophomore football players taking chemistry and all of them had an ‘A’ so far. These four teammates were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

    They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Michigan until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
    The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. .

    Then they turned the page. On the second page was written. . .
    For 95 points: Which tire? _________

  11. Greg says

    What’s the difference between a University of Michigan cheerleader and a washing machine? The washing machine won’t call you a week later after you drop a load in it…..

  12. Kim Mennillo says

    Here’s a joke I made up several years ago:

    Q: Why won’t the AKC recognize the only dog breed a Michigan fan will own?
    A: They’re not purebreds…every one of them is a Shihtz-blue.

  13. Watza Buckeye says

    Those are great jokes. Surely the Buckeyes have won more games than Michigan and I am positive that they have beaten Michigan more times than Michigan has beaten them by the tone of the Buckeyes comments on this page.

    • Stantmann says

      They have in the modern football age. Since the 50′s, OSU leads the series easily. Don’t forget the first 13 games (all UM wins) were when OSU was Div II.
      Now go get your box wine and string cheese and do some wine tasting…

  14. says

    Really Watza? Classic Meatchicken. Needs to pull out wins from the early 1900s to justify his team. You’ve got an entire generation of Michigan kids who don’t know what it means to beat Ohio State.

  15. Mark says

    Breaking News: A highly touted Detroit High School Reciever who was on the list of Michigan’s top recruits was sentenced today on a felony charge. It carried a maximum 4 year prison term. The Judge, a back up tight end under Bo in 1968 who is infamous for his no holds barred approach told the young man “Son, after much consideration, I am sending you to the ‘Big House’. Dick Rod will be provide you with the boost in the ass you need to turn your life around.” The recruit cried out…. “Judge Please! Please tell me you mean Prison!”

  16. Allan Morris says

    A contest was being held between three NCAA football players, one from Penn State, one from MSU and one from Wisconsin to see who could endure the stench of losing to OSU the longest. So it was decided that the one who could stay in a pig pen the longest would be the winner. After 20 minutes the PSU player came out complaining about the smell. Then 45 minutes later out ran the Wisconsin player screaming its too much! Three and one half hours later the pigs came out.

  17. Abdulrahman Salah says

    This is the funniest joke ever, and it is only three words.

    The University of Michigan

  18. says

    Buckeye fan was riding along in a car when he falls alseep. The driver takes a wrong turn. When the buckeye fan wakes up he looks around and says are we in hell? I can’t be dead I just can’t be dead then he sees a sign and says oh were just in Ann Arbor.

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