Kent State Pimps The Buckeyes – Wins Big – I Protest (Craig’s Eggs #7)

This has to be the weirdest season ever at Ohio State. Notsomuch that it was in the 90s last week in October when its supposed to be in the 60s, but for the mood in Columbus. Everyone seems to be walking on ice. We cheer the Buckeyes on as we always have, but we’re tentative for a variety of reasons.

It all started last year on our supposed home turf in Phoenix we received a post-season spanking by Florida when we thought we were hot patooty–so we’re not holding our collective breath this year. No-one seems to be over the drubbing and needs years of psychotherapy that a case of beer can’t wash away. From watching last weekend’s Florida versus LSU game, we know in our heart of hearts that either team would punish us back to the tarmac and onto the Skybus we rode in on.

Michigan was embarrassed by historic proportion by Appalachian State when ranked 5th ahead of us, so it can happen to anyone – and did with a 41-point underdog, Stanford de-pantsing USC (the University of SpoiLed Children). Big Blue has won four in a row and will be an angry host to the Bucks to win one lllllast game for LLLLLoyd. We could end up 11-1 like John’s Cooper’s best season with Earl’s players. Guess when – Coop’s first year out of Arizona State (after being coach of the year after winning the Rose Bowl).

According to the sports world, the Big Ten stinks this year — so our opponents are setting us up for a big fall at the end of the season. Minnesota was expected to finish last with Indiana nipping at their heels. Looks like Iowa wins the cellar hands down while the Fighting Illinois and Hoosiers play with heart. Michigan State, despite Mark Dantonio, is the manic MSU that makes you scratch your noggin.

Despite these oddities, the most glaring SNAFU is the OSU schedule. Face it. It’s a mess. We have three (3) away games starting at 8PM which is a pain in the butt. I understand that if we were playing someone out west, it would be fair to a Pac 10 fan base. But, the last time I checked Purdue and Penn State were east of the Mississippi and Minnesota isn’t that far off. Splain that to me Lucy. Sure, some alumni in San Diego that can watch the game at dinner time. But, when did we in Columbus ever care about them? It was about them caring about OSU only.

I might understand one late game and accept an extra half an hour for advertising. I always hate when your team had a sustained drive down the field for the rally win, then the referee would stand signaling the iron cross displaying a “T” as in TV Timeout – so the opponent can get their head together for a solution to the drive. Jerks. This is where it gets borderline insane. The Purdue game ran three and a half hours to 11:30PM. That’s not fair to the fans nor to the players — or my American Express Gold Card I left at Panini’s bar in Cleveland. There’s no doubt we were all sober when we left at midnight. The TV revenue on prime time draws the biggest, best audience which drives the biggest, best advertising revenues. Pretty simple. Who’s in charge here? Really.

Meanwhile, back in C-Bus, fans are disturbed because we can’t watch the Buckeyes since 150,000 of us have Time Warner cable and can’t watch it at home because they can’t agree on a deal with Ruprick Murdoch’s Big Ten Network. Sports bars with satellites are lovin’ it as if it were their Christmas all the way to the bank. Doesn’t anyone in this twisted equation feel dirty? This is supposed to be a college game with kids that just left high school and 6-year redshirt quarterbacks and Juco transfers and underwater basket-weavers.

Gordon Gee needs to quit hassling the tailgaters who are the real fans with off-duty county Mounties and re-focus his attention. Grab the horns. Revoke TV rights from the cable boners and give it back to PBS on WOSU. That’s the first thing that should have been done this year before you peed on our legs. Hey, our taxes pay for it, give us the money and give the advertising dollars back to the community. It might even pay for scholarships, buildings and needed stuff that we’re also being taxed for. At least use some money to buff the green off of William Oxley Thompson’s statue on the Oval or skim the algae off Mirror Lake. Hugo Chavez and I are ready. Bring it on. Oh, that’s un-American. Nevermind…

The piece de resistance (French: principle part of a meal, extraordinary like — or unbelievable BS). We’ve always had patsies on the schedule, especially for the traditional homecoming thumping, but not in the middle of the Big Ten schedule. That’s blasphemy. What the hell’s going on, here? Woody’s rolling in his grave. The Youngstown State Penguins, the Akron Rubbers, and now the Kent State Zips?

Here’s what I know about Kent State. It’s in northeastern Ohio south of Cleveland and north of Akron/Canton. My sister graduated from there. I had a girlfriend there. The girl to guy ratio is about 6:1 –except, five out of every six girls commute so the place is beat on the weekends like a convent so you better know what you’re doing. There are two good bars, the Black Horse and the Rathskeller. Kent State rivals Akron for the worst mascot (Zips versus Golden Flashes) Sounds like Toy Story. Joe Walsh from the James Gang and the Eagles attended KSU. And, in the 60s, a redneck governor sent the Ohio National Guard to quell a demonstration of “Outside agitators” things escalated and they shot up the students. Who didn’t see that coming? Enough.

The Associated Press ought to revoke five slots from the rankings for us playing such nambies. In today’s Columbus Dispatch, the Zips coach, Doug Martin, said that he was going to play his reserves heavily against OSU to get ready for a run at the MAC’s conference games. It could be locker room talk to lull the cocky Buckeyes into submission, or he just doesn’t give a rat’s ass and has faced the inevitable. Why even get on the bus? He’s another nice guy that’s going to lose. And, he likes it that way. “Grab your ankles, Boys… you can tell your kids about this one some day.”

Do you know why he doesn’t care? Because it was a moral victory to get on the OSU schedule – and after the Buckeyes are done drubbing them on Saturday they’ll be taking home a semi full of cash. Score Ohio State 49, Kent State $650,000. Somehow, we lose. I protest….