(The Mac T stayed up late for this one and it’s worth every minute.)
Why is it that I’m sleepless at 3:26AM? Could it be the fear that the Northwestern Mildats are going to soil an OSU home opener? Am I troubled of the thought that some other post-game Philistine is going to beat me to the dumpster burning behind the Seven Eleven on the corner 12th and High? Could it be that I can’t fathom the idea that a some green-card havin, four-point GPA getting wonk who doesn’t know how to play football is going to rag on me?
Indulge me. Pretend with me. Close your eyes, but read this first or it won’t work. It’s snowing lightly. Imagine that you’re in a half-vacant, sub-zero, windswept stadium sitting on aluminum seating that your butt’s frozen to — and recite the Northwestern cheer with me with a Mandarin accent:
“That’s alright (are light)
That’s okay
You’re going to work for (fall) us
Some day,
Rah!” (Lah!)
It’s highly unlikely that a bunch of purple panty-waists are going to keep anyone up tonight, errrr, this morning (See Craig’s Eggs Installment #3 referring to teams that wear purple and about nice guys finishing last)… Woody intentionally scheduled Northwestern for homecoming and season openers to pump the team to ramp up the Big Ten season. OSU didn’t have as many games scheduled in those days, nor would Woody allow injuring any of his players by playing non-conference teams for cash and TV ratings — especially the five quarterbacks that that he benched so teams like Northwestern could not have them. Har de har har. Wait. That was until some smart-ass (probably from Northwestern) reduced Division One football scholarships for parity in the 90s. Stay with me.
(More below the fold…don’t even think of not reading the rest of this one.)
After being the red-headed stepchild of the Big Ten during the 70s and 80s, for a while there, Northwestern was on a roll, or an end around, depending who to speak with. Gary Barnet took the Wildcats to the Rose Bowl in 1996 and had back-to-back Big 10 Championships. A poignant Northwestern tradition that Barnett instilled was for the team to sing in the locker room before games. Really:
High Hopes (Cahn/Van Heusen)
“Next time your found, with your chin on the ground
There a lot to be learned, so look around
Just what makes that little old ant
Think he’ll move that rubber tree plant
Anyone knows an ant, can’t
Move a rubber tree plant
But he’s got high hopes, he’s got high hopes
He’s got high apple pie, in the sky hopes
So any time your getting’ low
stead of lettin’ go
Just remember that ant
Oops there goes another rubber tree plant
When troubles call, and your backs to the wall
There a lot to be learned, that wall could fall
Once there was a silly old ram
Thought he’d punch a hole in a dam
No one could make that ram, scram
He kept buttin’ that dam
cause he had high hopes, he had high hopes
He had high apple pie, in the sky hopes
So any time your feelin’ bad
stead of feelin’ sad
Just remember that ram
Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam
All problems just a toy balloon
They’ll be bursted soon
They’re just bound to go pop
Oops there goes another problem kerplop!”
I wonder if a Barnett team ever missed kickoff because of this tedious schmaltz. What would motivate (operative word) a grown man to have 300-pound steroid-laiden lineman sing something other than their alma mater? Why not Little Red Corvette or something more sassy?
A half-time pep talk by an old-school coach would go like this, “Your Grandaddy’s rolling in his grave from the shame that you’re bringing onto this venerable stadium… there are 100,000 people in those stands that would give their left nut to be in your shoes… now, go out there and kick their ass!”
Eventually, Gary went to Colorado where the grass was greener – not really. A place where men don’t sing in locker rooms (maybe in the mountains in their fanny packs worshiping rocks – see last installment). It’s rumored that Gary was eventually dragged out of town with a chain wrapped around his feet behind a red pickup truck that was playing Dwayne Eddy on the radio. Someone said the antagonist was a man named Richard Chainme, an interloper from Montana.
The “End Around” pulled on the Buckeyes was when teams like Northwestern Northwestern (and Alvarez/Wisconsin) would win the Big 10 without playing the Buckeyes – just a mere scheduling oversight those years. My ass! Smart school, smart scheduling.
The guyz in Wisconsin don’t earn the “Quadruple S” (SSSS), but learned it from picking up Northwestern games on local T.V. from their tin foil and rabbit ears. After about 100 years of football, some cheeseater figured it out… You could hear Northwestern Athletic Department schedulers, Muffy Wearsasweater and Chip Spanksmehard snickering all the way from Chicago as the Buckeye fans sat by the creek banging two rocks together wondering how the hell a team like Northwestern could be in Pasadena on New Year’s Day.
Tidbit from 2004, “Didn’t Northwestern win back to back Big 10 Championships at 10-1? Who beat them? Miami of Ohio that’s who.” Ouch! A little smack from the archives. Kind of sucks that people give you crap even when you win.
You have to have sympathy for a team that recently lost their coach, Randy Walker, from a heart attack at age 52 (formerly from cradle of coaches, Miami of Ohio, hence the earlier, sneaky reference) who took Northwestern to three bowl games in seven years as the ugly head on the bottom of the Big 10 totem pole.
Indiana is going through the same grieving process after losing coach, Terry Hoepner to brain cancer, but they’re bouncing back at 3-0, so far. Go Hosiers! But, I digress in melancholy.
You might want to pull for the underdog, but the bottom line about this game is that 9 times out of 10 brute force wins – and the winners write the history books, and unfortunately for Northwestern, that would be the Buckeyes. I’m going to go make a toasted pita, grape peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich and go back to bed to dream of flaming dumpsters and riot police….
See below article: Should be titled “We’re not that dumm in O.H. I.O!” Or, title option two: “It kud be wurs!”
(both from the archives at: wwwOhioStateBuckeyes.com)
Team GPA is now 3.02
COLUMBUS, Ohio – The National Football Foundation has recognized four seniors from the Ohio State 2006 Big Ten championship team as inaugural class members of its NFF National Honor Society.
Doug Datish, Drew Norman, Joel Penton and Stan White Jr. were the Ohio State honorees. For inclusion, student-athletes had to complete their undergraduate degree work with a 3.2 grade-point average or higher, as well as make a significant contribution to their teams on the field.
Coach Jim Tressel also announced that the Buckeye football team cumulative grade-point average after completion of the summer term is 3.02. During the summer quarter, 17 Ohio State football players achieved a 4.0 average, while 30 more had a 3.0 gpa or higher.
“We are extremely proud of the accomplishments of our young men in the classroom,” said Tressel. “The coaching staff and academic support staff, led by Stan Jefferson, Darin Meeker and John Macko, need truly be commended.”
also……
HONOR ROLL
A league-best 23 Ohio State football players were named to the Big Ten’s 2006 all-academic team, marking the fifth year in a row the Buckeyes led the conference. Additionally, a record 54 Ohio State football players qualified for the annual OSU Scholar-Athlete Dinner in May, which requires a grade-point average of 3.00 or better for the past academic year. That number was an increase from the previous best of 46 established in 2006.
also……
HONOR ROLL
A league-best 23 Ohio State football players were named to the Big Ten’s 2006 all-academic team, marking the fifth year in a row the Buckeyes led the conference. Additionally, a record 54 Ohio State football players qualified for the annual OSU Scholar-Athlete Dinner in May, which requires a grade-point average of 3.00 or better for the past academic year. That number was an increase from the previous best of 46 established in 2006.
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