Nothing wrong with this photo. The Eggman was just really bent.

Long time readers of this blog will remember tEgg Man. It’s been a while since we’ve heard from our blogger at large but word has it he made it to the Rose Bowl. He’s back, the chemicals have worn off and he’s ready to report. Leave it to tEgg Man to prick his finger on the stem of the Rose.

Sitting in the North end of the Rose Bowl’s Row 66, in the nosebleed section under the Jumbotron, I was hit with a relentless barrage of text messages from Buckeye fans abroad. “Terrell throws like a girl” which was naturally from an SEC fan. “TP sucks,” came from a guy they that wanted Justin Zwick over Troy Smith in 2008 before Smith won 10 games in a row and a Heisman — before succumbing to the “Banquet Circuit” to oblivion at the hands of Myer’s and Tim Tebow’s underdogs. Praise the Lord for armchair quarterbacks.

If you attended the Rose Bowl, you’d find it hard to imagine that the game went “Exactly As Scripted” per the LA Times.  Even the Buckeye-hating Brent Musburger kowtowed to Tressell’s coaching the Scarlet and Gray. As expected, the Columbus Dispatch sportswriters fell in line.

I asked our 17-year-old son, “Am I missing something?” He responded as I read the paper aloud, “What game were they at?” I can’t get my head around why TP is viewed as the second coming of Vince Young — who by the way, really throws like a girl. We watched Terrell get sacked four times for 20 yards in losses and throw an interception.

The 17-yard fling to Posey for a touchdown was sweet as was tight end Jake Ballard’s catch between two defensive backs and Dane Sanzenbacher for a jump ball and critical first down. Exactly a scripted? Please. Then, I guess, the Buckeyes scripted the Oregon personal foul that gave OSU a first down and an offside by Oregon for another third-down conversion crossing midfield — not to mention Oregon’s missed field goal in the third quarter to bring them within one possession of taking the lead. Stupid call Kelly.

To anyone that attended the game, you’d know it was a gut wrenching experience and eerily closer than the writers say. You have to admit the OSU kick coverage was at best a feeble sieve, allowing more than 200 yards off Oregon’s freshman Barger’s kick returns. Very cool and well executed reverse on a kickoff return. Brilliant! The Ducks had flash to the very end.

Their die-hard fans were great too. If it wasn’t for LeGarrett “Rock ‘em Sock ‘em” Blount’s fumble on the 10 yard line into the end zone, the game may have had a different complexion altogether.

Regardless, To the Victors Belong the Spoils. And, whoever wins writes the history books.

As a Buckeye fan, I acknowledge that we’re all spoiled, want, expect, desire, demand to win — despite our pensive and cynical nature from 12 years of Cooper and being thrashed twice by the SEC for the BCS titles. Not to mention choking against Vince Young’s Texas and not sneaking the ball on the one foot line three times (passing 3 times and out) against Surfer Boy Barkley’s University of Spoiled Children (USC) and choking to Purdue.

Yes, we’re full of Buckeye dread… A psychologist would have a field day with our narcissistic neurosis. We think therefore, we is… If the buckeyes lose, we collectively lose, and if they win, we’re in turn collectively winners. The Ducks’ fans understand that. They drove home 12 hours over the snow-covered mountains as losers hoping for a better year to come. Although both teams’ players are kids, we live through their eyes. Sometimes we just can’t see the forest through the trees.

The most telltale part of the Rose Bowl was The Battle of the Bands. The Best Damned Band In The Land (TBDBITL) was awesome, while the Duck band looked like a rabble — a bunch of stoned security guards in vinyl jackets and their safety Da-Glo yellow as if handed instruments at the last minute because the real Oregon band was stranded in the Sierra Madre’s in the snow with a flat tire.  Their band’s Half Time theme was “Back to the Future.” How sophomoric — like they’d ever be back in the next decade at USC’s home field. They better get some batteries for their Way Back Machine…

After the best tradition in NCAA football, Script Ohio, left the field, the rabble of Oregon band members ran out to the field (instead of marching) as if a rugby scrum. Nice uniforms — baseball caps and a flag drill team? Guys, even a high school band can create a formation and march in sync, and in a straight line. It was abysmal and an embarrassment to their university. For God’s sake, for the taxpayers of Oregon, you guys better not be on full ride scholarship or I’m going to give my kids kazoo lessons, ship him out, and replace your worthless asses. Feel my disgust. It’s as liberating as paying bills or taxes. But, it shouldn’t be in front of a national audience at the Granddaddy of Them All.

Enough — you get it.

You have to love the Buckeye fans’ ongoing, incessant O-H-I-O. mantra that could be heard on the flight to the game, at the Rose Parade, on the walk down Peco Valley to the stadium, at the tailgate, booming throughout the stadium, at the hotel, and on the flight home. It got so bad that it was almost embarrassing. Other schools might question Ohio State’s academic standing like that’s all we can spell — old and young alike screaming as if we just got off a drinking binge. Could be worse. It would be tough to spell MIS ISS I PPI. Good luck with that.

The put-off before, during and after the game were the holy rollers with their signs and bull horns proselytizing us football fans, “You know more about a Buckeye than you know about the Lord Jesus Christ… What the heck is a Buckeye anyway?”

Really — the audacity.

These are probably the same banner-carrying killjoys at the Rose Parade who followed us on our 5-mile pilgrimage to the Rose Bowl. At one point after the game a silver Hummer bedecked with its red white and black Buckeye helmet piping and Ohio license plate (yes, those numbnuts actually drove all the way out for the game) almost mowed them down.

Okay, that’s not the spirit, nor Christian. Let’s be rational. You might say the Buckeye nation is a sports-based cult built on tradition and fellowship. Let’s leave it at that. For your information a Buckeye is a poisonous nut we worship mostly during football season. If you eat it, then you die, then visit TLJC. But in the meantime, I have another five hours to fly and eat my airline ration, connect in Charlotte, fly another one and half hours, drive home, put the kids to bed for school and go to work in the morning so I can pay for this darned trip.

The best thing about the Buckeye fans is that we are worth our “buck.” Love us or hate us, we’ll spend our last stinking dollar, fly or drive to California, buy $5 hot dogs, $9 beers, $15 caps, $20 t-shirts, pay $500 for overpriced tickets — you name it. The massive Buckeye nation lives through the Bucks eyes like we earned it — so we can do whatever we want. Thank you for making us winners. Go Bucks! Oh, and Quack…

©2012 The Buckeye Blog. All Rights Reserved.

I found this in my in box the other day and…well…let’s just say that the Eggman possesses information I’d rather not discuss. To keep him at bay, he gets to take over this blog at will. I think he wrote this Sat. morning of the Illini game. Don’t say I didn’t warn you:

AW:

Thanks for feeding my morning rant. Consider this an aggrieved and abbreviated segment of Craig’s Eggz — proof in the photo taken 2 minutes ago. What does the picture say? A lot of things count ‘em:

1. The computer display sez it’s 8:47am so I ain’t lying. Kick-off at 3pm today. Time to tailgate in the rain. Woo hoo.
2. Remnants of a Ham & Swiss omelette. Get in my belly, Eggz.
3. The College Football Point Spread Pool infers that it’s football Saturday. Not gambling just good, clean fun.
4. Notice that the Eggman never bets on the Buckeyes (giving 14.5 points) because they normally don’t cover the spread since Tressel took the helm and it might dampen Buckeye mojo — what little they have that is — allowing them to whammy themselves in the 4th quarter as in Big Games. I’m not taking the fall. Blame that cheater (and my brother-in-law’s old college roommate) Ron Zook.
5. Reading Glasses: eyes to go with selective loss of hearing. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I can’t hear you.
6. Lisinopril RX. Thud.
7. Excedrin for Migraines. Thwack!
8. Coffee (in Patriotic Mug lacking proper amount of stars belies the ignorance in wrapping one’s self in the flag).
9. Cigarette which isn’t helping the Blood Pressure. Refer back to #6.
10. Scarlet Lighter (hidden pun) justifying smoking as a team effort.
11. Focus Factor to ward of Alzheimer’s and grow my already massive brain. Someone said to me the other day in passing, “Super T… how do you get around lugging that big head of yours.” I took it as a compliment.
12. Rubber Band to shoot at intruders when they walk into my office while working hard(ly).
13. Monster Calculator that one can operate with elbows when lacking the necessary dexterity. Cell phone soon to become Jitterbug.
14. Highlighter to emphasize my high value spread sheets for betting, errrr my profession which no-one can fully fathom (I like it “that way”).
15. Old-school Stapler for affixing important “Stuff” together.
16. Even more old-school, gold-plated-colored Paper Clips to loosely hold other marginally important “stuff” together — to lose when you most likely need it.
17. Acai Berry pills because they were free, and are supposed to do something good for you, possessing “Anti-Accidents” which I’m prone to get into –kind of a Get Out of Hospital Free card.
18. National City Bank Sticky Notes, again because they’re free. At least I got office supplies out of a $3 billion bailout.
19. VoIP (Voice Over IP) Phone — futuristic Internet phone for free local and long distance calls. Has the quality of cosmonauts ordering pumpernickel from Soyuz via NASA to the French embassy. Looks good, sounds bad. There’s a joke in there somewhere.
20. Johnson’s Baby Powder for a chapped ass from Alan’s incessant emails of disregard (below).

This is what passes as a tax donation for some

Nice article about Kirk Herbstriet (ESPN Boy Franchise) DENIED AFTER burning his historic house down for a tax loophole to build a monument to himself in Upper Arlington — the only gated community in Ohio. True. Look it up. Really. Fire Departments and SWAT in UA, huh? You want domestic violence training? Stop by my place…

Question: #1 cause of DV? Answer: Beyatch burned my toast!

Just another reason why we don’t allow handguns in our domicile… Oh, and when I went to the kitchen to read the Dispatch with my morning cup of coffee today, our Cairn Terrier, Toto was sitting on her wood chip bed eating my slippers, pipe, and smoking jacket.

Herbie — boo hoo. He didn’t get the memo:

“You’re not from Arlington… you’re from Centerville, Ohio! IRS claim denied. It’s rumored that an accelerant was found on the premises — a burning bag of dog doo on your porch started it. Bad joke. You were supposed to stamp it out in your penny loafers and whitey tighties. We’ll try this one again later… at your new mega crib….”

Yours Truly,

Super T

©2012 The Buckeye Blog. All Rights Reserved.

I’ll leave this one to you but this is what we’re up against. Yep, those are members of the Troy State football team — granted it’s a couple of years old and all.

If just three weeks ago, anyone had told me that Troy might prove to be a difficult game, I would have laughed you off the blog. Two weeks later though and here we are with a number of questions to ask?

Q: Can our offensive line give Terrill Boeckman(*) the pass protection he needs?

A: Got me.

Q: Can our defense handle Troy’s no huddle offense?

A: Who knows?

Q: Will the Buckeyes be able to regroup after such a devastating loss last weekend?

A: I have no idea.

Q: And finally, will the leaders on this team be able to realign their national championship goals in order to do what needs to be done?

A: Maybe?

And that’s what this weekend’s game is all about. The Buckeyes have a lot to answer for this weekend and their performance on the field will either reinforce the chants of “Over-rated” we all heard coming from the LA Colusieum and the rest of the college football world this weekend or prove that this team still deserves to be in the hunt for at least a BCS Bowl appearance.

According to Tressle, Prior will see more playing time. At Tuesday’s press conference he said it would be something like 50/50. For Boeckman, this is everything. If he is going to play a quarterback role on this team, he needs to prove he can do it. If he doesn’t perform, he’ll be watching most of the rest of the season from the sidelines.

And dont’ think for a moment Troy doesn’t smell blood. They are used to playing the big game in the big stadium and if it wasn’t for hurricane Ike they would have already faced off against LSU. If ever there was an opportunity to kick a giant when they’re down, this is it.

Watch the second quarter of this game. If the Buckeyes start to struggle, as they so often do, then this will become a war of attrition and it will up to the depth of Ohio State to wear down Troy in the second half. Outlasting them may equal a win but it will be an ugly win at that.

However, if the Buckeyes can go into the half with a commanding, and I mean very commanding lead, then maybe it will be the shot in the arm this team needs to pull themselves back into the position we all want to think they can be in. However, anything but a blowout and we may be looking at a very long season ahead.

* You like that? I just coined it myself.

©2012 The Buckeye Blog. All Rights Reserved.

(Even without power, The Eggman goes above and beyond for you, loyal reader)

Yes, that’s it. The Buckeyes got their asses handed to them by the University of Spoiled Children. There is no DOG (God Spelled Backwards). Please. To prove this point, he smote us down with 75 mile per hour winds, knocking out power in Columbus until this Sunday (September 20th). What’s worse is all the AEP (American Electric and Power) trucks are rolling south to help LSU and Florida fans bring their satellite dishes back on-line at their squalid red-neck hovels while we cut down trees and take 7 days of cold showers. And, their illiterate smack will be backlogged on our email whenever we come back online. Then, we’re on the defensive. It’s tough when you start a sentence with, “We do not suck!”

To make another point, I’m sitting at a Starbuck’s for coffee and Internet — which is against my constitution because I think they and Juan Valdez are in it to take over the world. And, what am I wearing? A friggin’ The Ohio State University long-sleeve T-shirt like some Betty that’s serving penance doing a 7-day walk of shame. And, a black 2002 National Champions hat… Why do we take this abuse? You know it has to do with the Buckeyes. We know the Browns, Bengals, Blue Jackets all suck. See a pattern? They all have a similar letter in them which is in the same word as (B)ullshit.

Maybe Zeus is trying to tell us something, here. He should have at least thrown some lightening bolts to get it over with so I don’t have to do yard work or listen to the missus bitch about needing batteries, food, water, darkness and clean whitey tighties. Okay, the last one is my grievance. The least she could do is go down to Turkey Run Creek which flows from the OSU Golf Course behind our house and pound my underwear on some rocks with some Tide. Then I can take a camera phone picture with what little batteries I have left and broadcast the image across the ailing Buckeye Nation to make everyone realize that “It’s not all that bad.” But, I digress.

There’s a bunch of crying going on in Columbus – finger-pointing at it’s worst. Here’s the Top Ten why the Buckeyes are victims:

10. The dumb-ass from the Geiger Administration scheduled our 3rd game at the Los Angeles Coliseum making us visitors in a hostile environment, which we rarely win against USC. Jet lag and glitz take their toll… Woody would have crapped on this boner!

9. USC had a bye week to scout us like LSU and Florida had more than a month in the BCS Championships to perforate the OSU Neanderthal defense and stultify or fat-ass Big Ten lineman (not the kind from AEP that are MIA, BFD, and NFW. We need and miss them).

8. Beanie Wells is hurt. You’ll have that. But, what about our all senior team and All American line? Yes, the one that OU (Ohio University) stuffed and man-handled.

7. Maurice Wells, should have transferred when he threatened to because that dread-lock wearin’ wuss can’t run between the tackles. Cut your hair and let our freshman “Boom” Herron go where the Buckeyes like to run, Up the Gut, Baby!

6. Our kicking (not “Special”) teams have stunk up three games in a row, with 3 missed PATs in the last two and one missed chip shot field goal against USC. Yes, I’ve won four of eight quarters in football pools. Thanks to you dorks, I’ve got two weeks of lunch money for the babies, a pedicure for mama, and beer money for The Big Kuhuna. Guess who? I bet the average student on the Oval wondered who the two goons were snapping the ball in the rain and darkness 24/7 last week. If you didn’t guess, it’s the snapper and the holder — the guys people seldom remember or draft, depend on and ridicule as I am when they screw the pooch.

5. Our wide outs aren’t as impressive as we’d like to think. I’d give them a B- not and A grade. Hartline is a smart receiver that’s good at going over the middle. Kind of a Brian Brennan possession receiver. Robiskie has smarts also and more speed. Neither are a threat. Whomever we try as our third receiver, Ray Small or Brandon Saine (Mr. Ohio) aren’t working out as the legendary “Bam” Childress (Mr. Ohio) hadn’t either. The complete “air” package has a flat.

4. Both Freshman DeVier (someone please provide an interpretation – like French word for “The Man”) Posey and Thomas are burners like Santonio (Spanish word for “From Miami with three kids, leaving for the NFL early – doing quite well for the Steelers) Holmes was. They put the fear of DOG in the Bucks D during Spring practice and have blown away DBs when the get to play. Didn’t see ‘em against USC though. Derrrr. Our bad. Stick with what’s not working is what I always say. Really. Einstein’s definition of insanity is “Solving different problems the same way ending in the same result.” You lose! OSU should give me a sideline ticket to every game, a red “not hit” jersey, and a rolled us newspaper so I can whack Tress when a play doesn’t work. We can call the experiment “The Eggman’s DOG.”

3. Offensive play calling. When something doesn’t work, you try something different until it does and conversely, when something does work you do it until “they” stop it. Remember Charles White from USC? Coach McKay called it “Student Body Right.” He ran it all day and won. Remember when we were 12 points up on Texas when we had a great running game, then threw three passes and out to give the ball back to Vince Young so we could kiss or collective asses good-bye? My friends and I all remember sitting in the stands screaming “Run Forrest, run!” to no avail… You know what I’m saying here, Dr. Skinner. A monkey will try to grab a banana until the shocking quits. Or something like that. You see how easy it is to get confused, and I’m not making $2 million a year to f-up.

2. Coaching. Today our red-vested savior threw Boekman under the bus. It’s rare, which means Coach T is pissed, saying that the “Interception was solely the Quarterback’s fault… that he failed his “quick read”… blah… blah… and game the game multiple times… that Terrelle Pryor will share 50% time against Troy (who just might beat us). The gist is that Tressel would rather sack the QB than his stodgy, flat-earth coaching staff. Totally classless, yet imperative to quell the blame game. Joe Pa would never do that, just quietly change staff until it works. PSU is a force to be reckoned with this year.

1. It’s The Buckeye Nation’s fault. It’s our fault for feeling bad when we’ve been in the BCS Championship 3 of 6 years winning 1. Bite me, cry babies. Alabama, Colorado, Miami, Notre Dame, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas A &M, UCLA, Washington, etc. are programs that have gone south. What about Michigan? It could be worse.

I’m going to go make some sandwiches for the tree workers with unrefrigerated, 4-day old lunch meat. Maybe that’ll make me feel better… MyEggs are spoiled.

©2012 The Buckeye Blog. All Rights Reserved.

The request have been pouring in and yes, I was finally able to track him down. As you can tell, it’s been a long off season for the Eggman but he’s back, he’s tan and he’s ready. I give you — the Eggman as only the Eggman can tell it. (Stick with it to the end…it’s worth the trip).

The Beer Nut

With football season upon us the Eggman thought he’d share a little known story about America’s second best past-time, drinking beer. Albeit, tailgating for college football games is sacrosanct, it must be known that the roots of this tradition stem back to the explorers of the 18th Century better known as WASPs (or White Anglo Saxon Protestants). Sure, the Germans to the Egyptians can claim beer as theirs. Consider the contemporary, where even the effete Belgians whom bought Auggie Bush’s place, have some sway.

But, as serendipity would have it, none other than the scrawny, smelly, pasty, white founders of our country had such an impact on the world. My people. Can you imagine Jamestown settlers in the summer wearing woolen clothes by the 95 degree, 95 percent humidity Chesapeake? Honestly. No wonder the natives were spooked by this homeless shelter that washed ashore. Guns, diseases, and body odor. Great.

It can be argued that The Age of Exploration was a noble quest launched by man’s curiosity, the thirst for knowledge. Or, for riches with a Galleon or 100 full of Aztec or Inca gold. Or, as a religious cause to claim land in the name of God that wasn’t ours and to pillage Mezo-America’s indigenous heathens. Probably, all of the above can be neatly packaged to justify our presence and place in history. There were wanderers hundreds if not thousands of years before the before the English — the Siberians, Chinese, Polynesians, Vikings, Portuguese, Spanish, French and Dutch respectively.

We’ve all seen it before in movies, John Smith (Colin Farrell or Disney Cartoon) runs off with Pocahontas, Fletcher Christian (Marlon Brando or Mel Gibson) mutinies and launches Captain Bligh (Trevor Howard or Anthony Hopkins) off in a long boat, burns the Bounty and runs off in the jungle with a Tahitian in a grass skirt. Fletcher should have been nicknamed “Letcher.” Bligh was a truly amazing bastard looking for breadfruit, not babes. Who can blame Smith and Letcher?

The third of the classic British navy lore is where Captain Cook gets bludgeoned by Hawaiians with war clubs and they ate his heart. Raw deal… Kind of like being received as an invader instead of as a liberator. Rude wakening. At least we got pineapple out of the deal.

Curiosity, wealth nor religion played into any of these age-old stories. Everything had to do with food. British exploration’s residual, not primary benefit was expanding their mercantile pursuit with colonies’ companies.

Cook, Bligh (Cook’s previous 1st mate – go figure) and Charles Darwin’s objective was to find new sources of food. Queen Elizabeth’s Sir Francis Drake did it all. As privateer plundered Spanish gold, Drake defeated the Spanish Armada protecting the Anglican Church, circumnavigated the world, explored and claimed land. But, what is he best known for? Bringing a starchy tuber that could solve the food shortage from Peru in 1579 — named after his first mate’s native girlfriend, who was a chief’s daughter Potato.

From 1600 to 1800 Britain had not just her isles to contend with. India, China and Africa where her new acquisitions, exposing these opportunists to unfathomable levels of overpopulation and poverty. The British were becoming encumbered by the masses of their success. What was worse is that the slovenly Irish Catholics who were the Brits’ breadbasket were creating another problem as prolific breeders. Having tenant farmers that breed as much as they can eat is like my owning a liquor store… Let them eat bread fruit. No, potatoes!

After much consternation the British realized that Malthusian theory drove the deal:

Mal•thus, Thomas Robert 1766-1834.

British economist who wrote An Essay on the Principle of Population (1798), arguing that population tends to increase faster than food supply, with inevitably disastrous results, unless the increase in population is checked by moral restraints or by war, famine, and disease.

Johnathan Swift’ satire A Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick, commonly referred to as A Modest Proposal, is a satirical pamphlet written and published by Jonathan Swift in 1729. Swift suggests in his essay that the Irish might ease their economic troubles by selling children born into poverty as food for rich gentlemen and ladies. The modern phrase “a modest proposal” derives from the work.

Beer to early man was survival. Since they drank the first accidental batch of fermented swill, they party like it was 10,000BC and put 2 and 2 together, “Hey, Gronk… this stuff is better than that crappy water from the Vistula… and I don’t have to hunt or farm in the morning… In fact, I don’t have to eat, I can just drink this loaf of bread and be like that lazy fat-ass yonder.” Yes, getting drunk is timeless. Why did the Pilgrims land at Plymouth? Because they ran out of beer. Look it up.

You’ve heard of secret societies? Some more open than others, a tattoo, handshake, fez, scarves, piercings, colored bandannas, markers and so on. We’re all aware that breweries are “family” businesses and its more recreational today than survival in yester year. Man needs entertainment to keep his/her spirits up as the Roman Coliseum existed – as does tailgating at football games. It also makes people look better, some times…Although we’ve all seen commercials bragging about “the finest barley and hops… to the standards of the German Order of the Mug…” But, if were that easy, wouldn’t we all be making beer?

When I shared my “Beer is food, therefore, beer is life” argument with historical references, I received some nods, headshakes, and a Bullshit!” As it turns out, although my thinking out load was detrimental to my credibility to what little reputation I have in tact, the wise man of the bar came to my rescue. Every local bar has a Norm or Cliffy as we have a “Yoda” who solves most every argument regarding such philosophical dilemmas. From regular beer advertisements, there’s an owner who cares deeply about your moderation, a slogan, and a brewmeister guy that is the Einstein of the operation that wears overalls with a ZZ-Top beard that does anything he wants at the brewery because he has the secret formula.

According to Yoda, the British, in there quest for food stumbled onto something more important than Breadfruit – the Beer Nut. Why haven’t they shared it? Because it’s too important to share with the Irish. Let them go to Boston to get carted to Richmond to fight in the Civil War. What’s worse when somebody causes a crime or when someone doesn’t stop a crime from happening? I don’t have the answer but it’s probably both. Which leads us to The Holy Grail, Hope Diamond, or Faberge Egg of food – the Beer Nut.

Yoda says, “Brewmeisters are the court jester at a brewery” like the Jumps and Shouts man for a ska band. Although the plebes at the plants revere these pseudo shaman, the owners (Anheueser Busch, Coors, Heilman’s, Yingling, et al) are nothing more than franchise owners for the Beer Nut. Barley and hops are just the salt and pepper on your eggs. Flavoring and nothing more.

The Beer Nut juice or “fragrance” is the key ingredient brought back from the mountains of Papua New Guinea – a place described in Jared Diamond’s Guns, Germs, and Steel: the Fates of Human Society where the indigenous people have 192 dialects, each different from one another to the point of being unintelligible. China would be a contemporary reference, barely being able to communicate between provinces like Canton and Szechuan.

New Guinea’s mountainous jungle has thicker canopies than that of Borneo or Sumatra where World War Two soldiers intermittently come out of the thick as an 85-year-old Japanese soldier did this year. And earlier this year a treasure trove of new species was found in New guinea. Sort of a sweaty Shangri La.

The plant itself has only 9 to 12 “nuts” which resemble an avocado pit in coloration yet has the shape and size of a mango. They grow five feet off the ground like a bananas yet take two years like asparagus to reach maturation. The fruit has no pit and when the juice of “fragrance” is hand-squeezed in a rolling motion from the skin into vats and portioned into pints where the concentrate can produce over an ounce to 1,000 gallons of beer. The bottom of the husk is planted vertically and shallow like a coconut for a much of the rainforest’s water and light which cannot be duplicated above the Tropic of Capricorn.

Yoda says that the indigenous people are of normal build and aren’t freakish like Pygmies or Oompa Loompas and have been taught English as their second language. They are in essence, Beer Masons that protect and grow the Nut as Juan Valdez does his coffee or the Medellin Cartel does their “stuff.” So the next time you bring a frosty malt beverage to your mouth before, during and after a football game raise your glass to the smarmy British and the people that guard the food that gives you life.

©2012 The Buckeye Blog. All Rights Reserved.

I love the smell of a burning couch in the morning. It smells like…victory.

After a long hot summer of worthless polls, mind numbing ESPN predictions and sports commentators (yours truly included) desperately struggling to pound out something of value about the upcoming season, I finally have a weekend full of real live college football games on which to pontificate. The Vegas bookies have posted their odds, so the season must be under way.

Without further adieu, I bring you as many predictions as I can tolerate for one night. What we don’t finish tonight, we’ll get tomorrow or the next day.

Lets start with probably the most interesting game of opening weekend:

Illinois vs. Missouri (Missouri by 8.5, over under 50.5):

With all the expected blowouts and opening weekend 1-AA games, I really like this year’s Ill/Miss matchup. These guys first played each other in 1896. Seriously. Looking at past scores, there doesn’t look like a lot of close games and there have been a couple of trouncing including a 42-0 win in 1994 by the Illini.

This year will prove to be different. It is the first time in the meeting of these two teams that they are both ranked in the top 15 and they bring a couple of exciting quarterbacks to the field. Chase Daniels of Missouri has been mentioned more than once as a potential Heisman candidate and Juice Williams…well he’s Juice Williams.

What may be something of a surprise is the Illinois defense. Last year, Missouri pretty much walked all over these guys scoring almost 40 points in the first half. The Illinois return many of the same players and although you would think the offense would give coach Ron Zook something to brag about, according to Big Ten Blogger Adam Rittenburg over at ESPN, Zook seems to like this year’s defense.

And that’s what it’s going to come down to for Illinois. If the Illini D can bring the speed and keep the pressure on Daniel. If they can keep him from finding the yards to scramble, then they’ve got a game on their hands. Add another year of maturity and maybe, just maybe the Juice Williams that played against Ohio State and not the Juice Williams that we saw back in October will show up. Put those two together and you’ve got a win for Illinois. Without either of the two, and it’s too close to call.

I’ve got to go with my Big Ten team here and I’m picking Illinois to cover the spread. I’m not even going to think about the over under on this one.

—

You want more? I’ll give you more:

Appalachian State vs. LSU (LSU by 24)

Two years ago and this game wouldn’t even have risen an eyeball. Yet here we are, one big Michigan loss and two national championships later and we’ve got something to think about. I don’t know if this has ever happened before but both LSU and App. State arrive as reigning national champions.

The biggest difference in this year’s LSU game as opposed to last year’s Michigan upset, everybody knows about last year’s Michigan upset. Last year, the Wolverines were walking around the preseason like the big man on campus. They were talking smack and way, way overconfident. In typical Michigan fashion, the sleep walked through most of the game and when they finally woke up, it was too late. History was written and the Wolverines through their national championship hopes out the window before the regular season even started.

This year however, LSU has seen the worst case scenario. And you can be sure, LSU knows that the college football world is watching that little school in Boone, NC. And there is now way, I repeat, no way that LSU wants the blotch in their history books that Michigan will face over, and over again (don’t worry, I’m here to help keep the memory alive).

Neither LSU nor App State will bring the same teams that we saw last year. There’s a lot of new talent on both sides of the ball and don’t know App. State. They picked up some good recruits off last year’s win.

But this year LSU will be expecting them and probably would like to be the ones to put an end to the Appalachian State miracle. So no matter how badly I want App. State to be the first to knock a beloved SEC team out of the BCS hunt, I don’t think it’s going to happen. Twenty-four points is a lot. If Appalachian State is going to beat the spread, they are going to need to play some seriously inspired football.

But isn’t that what we were saying around this time last year?

–

What you want one more? But it’s late and really, you’ve read this far?

Michigan vs. Utah (Michigan by 4.5)

I know what you’re all thinking here. It doesn’t matter who Michigan is opening against, most of us are expecting them to blow it and blow it big. I’m not going to argue with you here. If a team ever had a point to prove, Michigan is the game. The problem is, do they have it in them.

Utah returns something like 14-15 starters after going 9-4 last season. Michigan can’t decide on a quarterback, not only that, but they can’t decide on the quarterback who will run coach Rich Rodregeuz’s beloved spread offense. Oh, and he’s going to run that spread offense behind an offensive line of sophmores. Heck, if I were looking at the quarterback position, I might be a little nervous also.

Now this is not to say that Michigan can’t win it. No matter what I anyone says, they’re still Michigan and I’m not ready to give up on their legacy entirely…yet (ok, maybe a little).

The entire state of Utah is excited about this game. They are excited for all the reasons people are going to watch LSU/App. State that I mentioned above. They see a window of opportunity that may not open again.

Meanwhile, Michigan needs this win more than they’ve needed almost any win in a long, long time. If they lose this weekend to Utah, all the nightmares will come pouring back. The questions will be answered and no matter what they do the rest of the season, perhaps for the next few seasons, the opening games of 2007 and 2008 will be remembered.

Can Michigan win this? At this point, I don’t think anyone knows. Can Utah? Yep.

Obviously, the bookies aren’t sure. If I were passing out the spreads, I’d give Utah a touchdown just because Michigan has the fan base and the legacy to pull up the bets. Personally, if I were a betting man, I’d stay away from this one.

Wow, you made it to the end — for now. I’ll be back tomorrow with more. More of what, I’m not sure. As I wrote this I kept finding other, probably more important Ohio State news I should be writing about. The Buckeye Depth Chart came out today and there were a couple of interesting points.

In all, it looks like it’s going to be a busy week.

©2012 The Buckeye Blog. All Rights Reserved.

And, you thought I’d end on lucky Number 13? Like Punxsutawney Phil, I thought I’d stick my head out to end your finger-pointing and crying. Erase everything from your minds. Cease and desist. You’re good fans and the Buckeyes are worth cheering.

It shouldn’t be a shock to anyone that OSU lost to LSU. We were rated 3rd preseason in the weak Big 10 with a patsy schedule. Serendipity or dumb luck allowed us to sneak in the back door. At least we didn’t get screwed like Georgia. They were 4th and OSU was 3rd going into the Missouri and the Mountaineers choking. The “Show Me State?” I’ll show you a spanking to Kansas. And, Pittsburgh beating WVA. Please… Where’d LSU come from?

As an English major it makes plain sense to me that 3rd goes to 1st and 4th goes to second. The University of Spoiled Children (USC) looked like axe murderers at the end of the season — a little too late. Pete Carol lobbied and cried like Oklahoma’s Bob Stoops (who was rated 9th in BCS strength of schedule going into their last game). Bob are you smoking dope or are you stupid?

Okay, the BCS isn’t perfect, but it’s all we have and we tweak it every year. If all you babies were in the championship game, you wouldn’t utter a freaking word would you? Pete needs to win another championship before the New York Jets offer him the coaching job to derail the guys who kicked him to the curb, Bill Belichek’s (I mean Mr. Kraft’s) New England Patriots. Good luck. You’d do a better job hosting The Price Is Right.

Michigan was preseason 5th in the country and look what Appalachian State did to them. Face it. It was a weird year as NostroCraigus stated earlier and repeatedly. How many times do I have to hit you on the nose with a newspaper to get the point across? I was as pensive and leery as every one of you.

Now, let me rub salve on your American Express Card — I mean wounds. Here’s the breaking and final news for the 2008 Buckeyes. We have 19 out of 22 starters returning for next year including James “Little Animal” Laurinaitis. Most teams are happy to return half their team, but 86%? Yes, I cheated with a calculator because I know one of you smarmy weasels would correct me and email bile my way. Where are you Nitany Cryin’s? I miss your spite. Gus and Ollie, you out there? I know better. They’re out ice-fishing (hiding from their wives until the Packers game on Sunday).

Anyway, other than exiting senior fullback Dionte Johnson, OSU needs to replace only two starters, DL Vernon Gholston who should be a 1st round Pro and MLB Larry Grant. You can’t blame Gholston for taking the money. But, hats off to the young gentlemen taking the high road that are going education first, then cash secondly. They’re pissed off and are on their way to a third BCS trip in 3 years. Where the heck are we going? Email me and I’ll reserve a Timeshare tomorrow.

So, we lost two championships back-to-back. Maybe we’ll win another national championship for our third try. But, hey, we’d be there 4 in 7 years. Gators and Tigers, SEC — shut up please. Notre Who? OSU might even be ranked the preseason #1 for next year. Great…

Michigan Freshman phenom, Ryan Mallet is considering transferring to A&M, Tennessee, UCLA — anywhere but Michigan. Is this writing on the wall? With yet another year of eligibility left, although he looked poised and tough winning the Alamo Bowl, we know Chad Henne is almost as bad as Chad “Choke” Navarre. With new run-and-shoot coach from West Virginia, Rich Rodriguez might win the battle for all-world QB, Terrelle Pryor — where Michigan can fully utilize his Vince Young skill set — and he can start on a hapless Michigan basketball team.

Bad news for Michigan though. Not only did mouthy running back (0-4) Hart graduate, but WR Mario Manninham and WR Adrian Arrington are leaving early for the Pros. Who’s Pryor going to throw to — his own shadow? If you’re going to run and suck, you might as well go to Penn State where they know how to run and suck. Pryor lives in PSU’s back yard too. Easy decision if it were me. Wow. And, Michigan’s new coach is being sued for $4 million for breaking his contract. Looks like bad theatre up North.

OSU’s 3rd-string “Gunslinger” Schoenhoft transferring to Delaware might be telltale as well as the Michigan QB gyrations. Antonio “I was set up for soliciting prostiution” Henton is a scrambling QB with about 30% less stuff than Pryor – and with starting QB Todd Boeckman leaving, Pryor could be king of the Horshoe.

©2012 The Buckeye Blog. All Rights Reserved.

After watching West Virginia beat up on another patsy and Missouri handle Kansas with an excellent, bruising double-tight-end set and a passing efficiency over 93%, I watched 16 Pro games to pass the Buckeye Break. Hopefully the Oklahoma Sooners will beat Missouri so OSU can pummel the pass-less Mountaineers in the BCS Championship game in New Orleans. Or, we will get our asses handed to us by a revved up and PO’d USC at their home turf at the Rose Bowl (Coliseum of Big 10 Death). Maximus Decimus Meridius couldn’t hold the healthy John Wayne Booty’s jock strap. Good luck, whomever…

In the mean time, I found a great way to pass the Buckeye Break. Last night I watched Star Trek’s “Doomsday Machine” episode before bed — an unadulterated Classic… Wouldn’t let the wife change the channel. Look, it’s either this or the History Channel – which she calls the Hitler Channel because every time someone passes through the room, there’s a black and white still of something gruesome on.

Anyway, I deftly kept the remote moving through the bed cover layers and almost reduced myself to taking out the batteries and saying my legs were broken. She thinks I’m immature, or insane — maybe both… It’s not my fault the football games pushed it to 12:35AM… It’s difficult to argue when you have it recorded on DVR and they say, “Can’t you just watch it later?” Reply, “But, it’s almost over… only 56 minutes left.” Or, in a more juvenile manner say, “William Shattner’s better in a life time than Tyra or Heidi Klum is on Project Runway” or whatever the hell the girls watch over and over in the den. Payback, sayeth the Eggman!

Here we go. Plot Line: On their journey to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldy go where no man has gone before, the Starship Enterprise stumbles onto a distress call from one of Kirk’s academy buddies, Commodore Decker (actor William Windom — more major than a captaincy). They track the signal and plow through space debris which used to be where planets were charted. That’s strange.

Decker’s plastic model, I mean the Starship Constellation is found derelict drifting in space without any signs of life. We know that because science officer Spock (Leonard Nimoy) sez so from looking into his Etch-A-Sketch. You can’t argue with the pointy-eared Vulcan because he’s smarter than everyone, is driven by logic never emotion, is cool under pressure, and has a death grip for your shoulder badder than your Uncle Lou can deliver on a sober Thanksgiving morning and a Mind Meld that would reduce Dr. Phil to tears.

Anyway, as standard Star Trek practice to determine the hostility and safety factor, the Captain (Kirk) and two other executives “beam down” and board Decker’s ship. Brilliant! This time, however, they leave Spock behind to run the Enterprise while Kirk absorb radiation or be mauled by monsters. They scour the abandoned ship.

Eventually, they find Decker in the break room hunched over in his Barkalounger disheveled with bloodshot eyes, and a small tear in his yellow polyester V-neck. He’s catatonic, because Dr. “Bones” McCoy sez so and injects Decker a shot of some kind of Go Go Juice Truth Serum that wakes him instantly. The crying Commodore spills the beans. As his ship was surveying the galaxy, they were brutally attacked by something resembling the Devil. Excuse me, “Bones,” what exactly did you shoot the Commodore up with? We can’t get a straight answer from this lunatic. Rule #28, don’t let a doctor called Bones shoot you up after a five second diagnosis. If you jump around ranting and crying, it’s probably paint thinner in your system and your going to do something more stupid THEN die.

C’Mon Decker, fess up. You’re either stealing, protecting, or wanting to kick something around with your battleship. You’re no Captain Cook looking for Bread Fruit in Polynesia to feed Jonathan Swift’s starving Irish. That’s like the aircraft carrier Nimitz patrolling Somalian waters for interdiction and slamming into Madagascar. Oops. Commodore Craig issues his public statement that, “We were on a science mission trolling for Sea Monkeys.” Anyway…

The bad guys are actually a robot – according to Spock as always – slicing and dicing planets hungry for energy on its path to destruction to survive by self-perpetuation. It has no purpose but to eat and annihilate stuff. “Stuff” is planets and lots of people live on them especially in the Rigel Galaxy. That’s bad. Some alien culture designed it and set it loose to end everything as they knew. Remind you of anyone else in recent history? My buddy Al will tell you. And, he’s smart. He has a Nobel… Kirk repeatedly refers to it as the H-bomb from millennia ago like we’re stupid – and to drive the point home — that they’d never use it, but… Nice 60’s message. You can thank Gene Rodenberry for that.

On a more sympathetic note, after Decker got the Constellation demolished, to save his crew Decker beamed the 400 people onto Planet Number Three which Spock coldly points out to Decker, “No longer exists” as Decker throws his hands into the air and screams, “DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT.”

It’s understood by all that they have to stop this thing. Kirk and his staff work to fix Decker’s beat up Constellation to get to the archives because no-one can trust this raving psychedelic super-exec. They cut through magnetic interference generated by the thing, get the communications and transporter fixed “temporarily” and beam Decker out of there – to Sick Bay on Kirk’s Enterprise. But, much to Kirk’s chagrin, his pissed off buddy, Decker, is high with authority and invokes a little know Federation rule that only a space attorney and Spock know of. Spock relinquishes the helm and Decker proceeds to attack this thing that’s as big as “20 Starships” and is made of impenetrable Moldavian. No, you’re thinking of an eastern European province in the Carpathian Mountains known for its hunting dogs, not vampires. Rodenberry probably summered there as a kid or something. Whatever.

Although it sounds imposing, the robot model looks like your grandmother’s Thanksgiving cornucopia spray-painted gun metal gray and a distinctly clunky non-aerodynamic look to it. There’s great line where navigator/helmsman Sulu says to Spock, “We can outmaneuver it….” Spock replies as he looks into his Etch-A-Sketch, “Yes, but, it’s gaining on us.” Excuse me, that’s like being overtaken by a cement truck and you’re driving a Lamborghini Diablo. Better yet, it’s worse than Carl Lewis falling down as he’s getting away from Frankenstein. There’s a joke there. Really.

So, while Kirk’s fixing his buddy’s ship, Decker’s attacking the robot getting the crap kicked out of the Enterprise. Warp drive is out, shields are down, casualties are mounting. Enterprise crewmen are rolling their eyes at one another on the bridge as they fall out of their chairs in contagion. Engineer “Scotty” gets the Constellation running on Impulse Power (much slower than Warp Drive) by inverting the cross-connects (isn’t that redundant?) with a visual, but no communications. On the Constellation, Kirk gets to sit by the sideline in Decker’s Barkalounger and watch his ship get hammered. Now you know how Bill Belichek and Browns fans feel.

Decker gets the Enterprise sucked in by the robot’s Tractor Beam. And, finally, like an attorney, Spock pounces on Decker with a technicality — that “If you’re doing something that seems insane… under Article whatever of Section whatever… I can relieve you of your duty.” Ta da! About time dumbshit. Time to get a smarter Vulcan. Or, better yet, use your Sleeper Grip, wuss.

Here comes the compulsory Expendable Crew Man (ECM) in the red polyester V-neck of a Security Officer who buys the farm every stinkin’ episode. Spock casually sneers at Decker as he is helped by the arm onto the elevator by one ECM and says, “You’re relieved of your command… and you’ll be escorted to Sick Bay… for that evaluation.” Beyatch! Naturally, as they both exit the elevator, Decker has a fake lean over to cough move. The ECM takes the bait to help him up. Decker gives him a cheap body blow and double Judo Chop and drags the limp-legged ECM into a closet.

I’d have put my foot up his ass if he did that to me – Commodore or not. Couldn’t see that coming a mile away.

Hey, if a bar patron is high on PCP, do you send just one bouncer to take the starch out of his shorts — or two or more? We all know the answer. Two — after the third bludgeoned him to submission. I know, you can’t do that to a Commodore. But, wouldn’t you want to if he stole your Starship, especially after a lame technicality? And, he was your Academy buddy?

Decker swerves down the hall in exhaustion from his 5-second bout and skulks towards the shuttle hanger. He steals the shuttle and flies out of Enterprise’s aft transom hanger. Kirk conveniently gets communications back on the Constellation to say from his Barkalounger, “Who’s the idiot taking my shuttle out?” Spock pretty much says, “The same idiot that attacked the Cornucopia, errrr Devil, sir.” In a moment of clarity Decker radios Kirk and says, “I’m going to kill that thing… I’ve been ready to die since I and it killed my crew… Out.”

The shuttle banks and veers the little spud into the Cornucopia’s mouth to blow it up from the inside out like a Kamikaze. Decker makes a bug-eyed twisted facial expression, crosses his forearms over his face and it’s all over. They pan to the Enterprise where Spock says, “From my readings… it’s effects were minimal.” Kirk chimes in from the Constellation, “Maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea.”

Scotty gets the Phaser bank going on the Constellation.

So, like what Browns fans do to referees from the dog pound with flashlight batteries when they don’t like a call, Kirk pops off a few shots off at the robot from his hulk. He does so and the Cornucopia releases the Enterprise from the tractor beam which promptly gets away so it can go warn Star Fleet. Better yet, Scotty gets the communications and transporter both up.

Kirk has Scotty set an overload on the impulse engines to self destruct after Kirk throws a 30-second delay switch – then he beams out at the last second. The Constellation is eaten and it blows up in the robot’s mouth killing it. Sweet and easy – Pinocchio and Gepetto with dynamite. The finicky transporter awkwardly burps Scotty’s molecules back to form on the Enterprise as the engineer runs over to the Etch-A-Sketch to tweak the knobs into working properly.

Kirk is so golden. Except, like security in the dog pound, the robot is after him now and it’s a matter of time before he’s toast also on the crippled Constellation. But, Kirk doesn’t sweat as Spock counts down from 30 seconds as his feet are being inserted into the wood chipper. At the last second, Kirk materializes, the Constellation blows up, snuffs the robot and the crew collectively sighs.

Spock retrieves himself in the end saying to Kirk, “It will be recorded that Commodore Decker died in battle.” Kirk says, “Here, here… I just wonder if there are any more of them out there?”

The super bowl just goes an edge beyond, when the likes of buffalo bills, carolina panthers and chicago bears are playing.

©2012 The Buckeye Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Okay, so whoever the wise guy is that’s been hassling the Eggman to come out of “sucklusion” is, I’d like them to quit signing as anonymous and face my wrath. I’m betting it’s the Nittany Cryin’ that can’t get over the 50-gallon drum of whoop-ass the Buckeyes delivered earlier this year and had his Starbucks replaced with Folgers crystals.

I’m going to be bored this winter with the NBA and the Super Bowl when the Pats win their 4th ring to debunk Don Shula – cheating or no cheating. Bring it on! Gus, Ollie, is it you? Are you taking this thing personally? You must have a sense of humor living in Milwaukee. You still have Laverne and Shirley Re-runs. What I’d give to hang with Lenny and Squiggy for a weekend.

Granted, Nostroeggus laid an egg on the Wisconsin game going for an audacious 14 points. But, no matter with Boeckman underthrowing for three picks or Tress the Vest blowing two timeouts (one not called and the other called) the prediction was yet again bold and should have been correct. My bookie sez so. (Argue with Felix. I dare you…) There will be no towing the Vegas line or eking a daring one or two points either way. C’mon. Where’s the fun? My crystal ball has been re-calibrated and we’re good to go.

There a lot of people shaking in their boots in Columbus right now. We knew some bad karma was coming our way. It just came a little early. We were the nail and Ron Zook was the hammer. Or, OSU couldn’t squeeze the juice out of Orange Williams. Something like that. There is a point to be made, here.

There many reasons why the Gods should smile at the Wolverines. Now we’re holding our collective breath – hiding behind a facade of tradition, the Big House, Woody and Bo – yada, yada. After being ranked 5th in the nation Michigan came out of the chute and suffered an embarrassing loss to Appalachian State, then back-to-back lost another to the formerly respectable Pac 10 Champion Oregon Ducks. Mr. Carr is having his last hurrah.

The kind people of Michigan had enough of their version of John Cooper with Tress as Llllloyd’s boogeyman. They just aren’t going to tar and feather Bo’s understudy. They’re going to blame it on the onset Parkinson’s and promote him to Michigan AD. Classy move. Or, is it just plain clever – waiting out Michigan alumni, Les Miles’ running the sand out of his hourglass at LSU?

There should be an element of sympathy for the Michigan seniors, even 0 and 3 running back and poor sport Mike Hart, the second worse interviewer next to OSU’s own Dr. Robert Smith.

“We should have, I could have, we will…”

Bite me.

He should have a fruitful Pro career – with the Cincinnati Bengals. One can only hope.

Michigan also can win the Big 10 and a trip to the Rose Bowl if they beat the Buckeyes. Some say, Lllloyd, although a man of character rested the “injured” Hart and quarterback Chad Henne to lay down like a $10 ho against Wisconsin to be ready for “The Big Game.” It has been double hush hush, but, you can guarantee they’ll both play their final game even on crutches or with an injection of some kind of ‘cain.

What a great way to save face and revitalize their program going from riches to rags to riches. It’s the stuff stories are made of. I’ve already ghost-written the script for Al Gore – and man are we going to be rich(er). We’ll be able to buy hydrogen-powered RVs and have bitchin’ tailgates with Mr. Gates, Sir Richard Branson and Sean Penn if I must indulge him.

Despite all the hoo haw, the Eggman has come down from the mountain on a tattered, yet proud magic carpet to pee on the Wolverines’ legs – that the sound of Hail to the Victor will be interrupted by the beeping of the OSU dump truck full of monkey dung backing into the Big House.

Here’s how it goes:

OSU was superior to in every total category to Penn State and Wisconsin respectively. Michigan is one notch below them. Somebody tell me that that doesn’t count for something? And, the have two injured seniors driving their fiery chariot to Hades. The backup quarterback, Mallet (cool name – although unpopularly French) is a freshman and got his bells rung by the Badgers. I don’t care how good your line is, you cannot count to 15 in the pocket.

Regardless of home field advantage with a twelfth man and storybook potential, the kinetics behind Tressel’s machine should grind them down. Buy how much? What else? Fourteen points. Go figure. Buckeyes win 31 to 17.

©2012 The Buckeye Blog. All Rights Reserved.

Figuring out the crowd in a football stadium is like counting license plates on a road-trip as a kid. It’s something you do at breaks in the game after the teams are done warming up, before the Star-Spangled Banner and especially during those blessed drive-killing TV timeouts.

Remember the Huskies half empty stadium? I doubt you’ll find an empty stadium in the Big Ten – even at Northwestern. We love football in the Midwest. The Pulitzer photo of 2007 has to be of the one lone Buckeye fan sitting in the student section last weekend at Beaver Stadium — in the hostile Happy Valley.

What was that guy thinking? That’s the Heart of Darkness,

“As I hung a left off Route 26 onto Porter Road in my 1976 Pinto, I could barely make out the stadium through the fog on the windshield… the crowd parted… the parking lot attendant waved me in… I could smell hotdogs in the air… it was as if they were expecting me….”

It takes big brass balls to sit in the middle of the White Out in your scarlet and gray jersey and lucky Buckeye necklace. That’s it, just wade into the paper Pompom waving weenies. “O.H.I.O.,” I say! That’s like swinging in on a rope onto Blackbeard’s ship unarmed and calling him a fat, smelly sissy that wears women’s clothes. Oh, the reason why our band didn’t attend was because last time the PSU fans threw urine bombs on them — TBDBITL…

The Ohio State Alumni or Athletic Department ought to pony up the cash to buy this diehard Buckeye fan (find him for me please) season tickets at away games for the next 25 years that pass onto his children, dead center in “their” home section – just to put a burr up their butts. He could be the next Neutron Man and he doesn’t even know it – or that commuter standing in front of the tank at Tiananmen Square. Yes, it’s that big. OSU could provide him a jersey with an antagonizing names like:

• Illinois: “Ill Annoying”
• Indiana: “Go Hosers”
• Iowa: “Herkey Jerkey”
• Michigan: “U of Hmmm”
• Michigan State: “Go Spurtinz”
• Minnesota: “Land O’ 1000 Aches” or “Golden Goofers”
• Northwestern: “Mildcats”
• Pen State: “Whitewashed Up” or “I.B. Snowblower” or “Nitanny Cryin’”
• Purdue: “Boiler Breaker”
• Wisconsin: “Cheezewiz” or “Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Badges” (too long).

Last but not least, this brings us to our next opponent, the Badgers. When you think of Wisconsin football everybody pictures Gumbas from the Deer Hunter sitting at Lambeau Field (Packer Stadium) shirtless in a blizzard. These are the same boneheads that force farmers to braid Day-Glo into their horses’ manes so the drunks don’t drive-by shoot their stock on the way home from a fruitless sortie of card-playing.

Gus: “Whatcha gonna do, Ollie?
Ollie: Headin’ out to the field to spray paint the cows…
Gus: Yep, sounds like a good idear… Need a hand?
Ollie: You betcha….”

Despite the yahoo factor, the University of Wisconsin is a beautiful college – located on Lake Oshkosh. Although I like to have an association with places I visit, UW’s academic forte eludes me. My geography teacher would be disgusted. At least I got the lake part right. Maybe we’re all brain-washed.

It comes back to the overwhelming power of cheese. America’s Dairyland – yada, yada, yada. The UW campus is the land of blondes Nords and Wilmette (Chicago) Hebrews – the outland of the big city – a remote, safe enclave. It’s like night and day. And, that’s about as far as their heterogeneity goes. In striving to show UW diversity (worse than UWVA or Colorado whom I ragged on earlier this year) the student editor got caught airbrushing if not pasting with Elmer’s glue, an Afro-American student’s head on the university yearbook – dead center. The fact that his noggin was about 20% disproportionate didn’t phase the goof. Right on. Good idear, eh?

Camp Randall stadium looks like a depression-era Roosevelt work project, but it has character. And, oddly at UW they treat their students well, unlike many commercial Division 1 football factories. Maybe because while all the adults are sitting in front of their fires, students attend the games not realizing it’s sub-zero and have icicles hanging off their noses. But, what the hey? At least they don’t have a vacant dome 30 miles off campus. The students are right down on the field in the good seats where they can be heard.

They also have a diabolical if not completely dangerous tradition at UW. No, it’s not like engineers at Texas A&M building a 5-story pyramid for their homecoming bonfire to crush the student body when it collapses. It’s something more simplistic – slightly less asinine than Brown’s fans throwing flashlight batteries or Raiders fans throwing beer bottles or the Nittany Urine Tossers Local #666. Oh, but it’s up there.

The day before the game, UW students takes an average Stay-Puff marshmallow, inserts a couple of quarters matching the flat ends of it, then puts them in the freezer overnight. Sounds harmless until you score a touchdown at the UW student section end-zone and a missile puts your eye out. Ask any Buckeye Football Alumni that’s played the Badgers away, and they’ll tell you so. It’s a real, living urban legend – with welts as proof.

Although juvenile and dangerous, it takes skill to throw these “marsh missiles.” Is there a name for them? C’mon some Badger has to email me and give it up. When frozen the marsh missiles are hard and weighted, they’re not aerodynamic, but are cylindrical. Do you throw them end-over-end like a Tom Dempsey field goal? Do you spiral them like a Ray Guy punt, or throw them side-arm flat top horizontal to the ground like a Ken Tekulve pitch? And, if you insert the quarters wrong, that’ll throw them out of round diminishing accuracy. Perplexing.

It took it upon myself to find out. The answer is none of the three approaches. You throw them over-hand with a backspin with the flat ends perpendicular to the ground and you’ll hit your target every other heave – which was my dog, Chester, so he made clean-up simple – except he has a buck and 25 cents in his gullet. But, nothing can kill him. I’ll have to borrow the neighbor’s metal detector in the Spring to get my money back. Every now and then a blind squirrel finds an acorn. Yes, Chester taught me something other than how to pass a fistful of quarters — that if you get caught throwing Marsh Missiles, you can eat the evidence. I’d hate to be in the UW dorms on Sunday morning.

That’s about where the threat ends with Wisconsin fans. UW fans don’t travel well because they can’t get the cheese hats off their heads to get into their cars or airplanes. Try to explain that the FTA as you pass through the X-ray machine at Dane County Regional Airport.

Dwight the TSA Guy: “Hey, Ollie… you got that shoe horn thing we use to get the cheese off their heads?

Dwayne the TSA Guy: “No, I must have misplaced it… You’re gonna have to send ‘em away again…”

Bet you’d cry like a baby if they confiscated your cheese hat. Then what would you have to do – comb your greasy hair on that wedge-shaped head of yours? Okay, that was childish. I recant for a moment. Here’s another original.

Q1: Why do Wisconsin fans wear cheese hats?
A1: So after visiting the bathroom they can find each other – beats the ball of yarn they used to carry on them to make their way back to their seats…

I never said it was a good joke. Thank God Badger fans live so far away from us – because they are the worst drivers in America — worse than a cabby or New Jersey driver. They’re easy to spot in a rusted out 1980-period American car belching blue smoke, swerving line-to-line at 45 mph in the fast lane with yellow WISCONSIN license plates. They’re not from Fargo, but darned close.

Enough of the fans. If a Badger fan is at the Horseshoe, their red and white will conveniently blend in at the horseshoe and they won’t say much or have much to cheer about even of they can figure out the Planes, Trains and Automobiles… OSU should methodically pick them (#4 Passing Defense, and a lowly #8 Run Defense) apart. Like Penn State, they’re not only Neanderthal on offense (#5 Passing and a respectable #3 Rushing Offense) but they won’t be able to catch up as Secretariat runs for the finish.

Score: Buckeyes 38, Wisconsin 14

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