The Eggman Talks Ohio State, Urban Meyer and Recruiting; Lord Help Us All

Editor’s Note: Long-time readers of this blog may remember occasional and always erratic contributor tEggman. After repeated attempts and a number of changed email addresses and phone numbers, I thought we’d shaken him for good. Then this morning, I open my mailbox to find this…

Eggman talks Ohio StateDear AnnapaBuck”

Unknowingly you’ve opened Pandora’s box.

We knew the kid from MD was staying at home since his mom is having serious health issues. You gonna go 600 miles to OSU, Florida or Auburn? No. Diggs went with his guilt — I mean gut… Good boy. Really. How rare. Urban landed his 4th recruit for 2013 yesterday with a second Blue Chip DB of four Blue Chips so far. He’s 26 for 27 and stole 8 players from Big 10 commitments. Boohaaaaw! And, Urban is averaging about one cut per week per new signee. Pretty basic.

BTW: Brett Bielema is a fat cry-baby. Boo hoo Baby Huey, you lost your OHIO recruit. After Bielema’s interview, Wisconsin AD and mentor Barry Alvarez took him behind the doghouse he came from and beat him with a rolled up newspaper.

Dantonio sent a nasty memo by way of defensive coordinator from his peeps. Girl. And, Penn State? Well since no-one’s really in charge of the Exxon Valdez, everyone’s poaching (OSU x4) their recruits — except Iowa because their recruiters don’t have bus fare since Kirk Ferentz is making $10.5 million. Please. For what? Lay an egg Herkey.

New OSU weight trainer Mariotti has been beating the crap out of the Bucks with 5am “competitions” to weed out the slackers. Lou Hotlz did the same thing at the Golden Dome with Jerry Faust’s goose eggs to win a National Championship and probably the last one in a century… If you’re not competing, you get a magenta shirt to wear for a week. On a 40,000 student campus like Ohio State, that must suck — especially having to wear a winter Parka with the fur-lined periscope hood to hide “SELF” in class — baking a core body temp of 120… Nice. That’s a great way for a player to know to GTFO and free up a scholarship. Since 2012-13 will be a bowl wash, Urban’s summarily executing Tressel’s slackers.

“DerJuan Gambrell and Dominic Clarke Have Been Released From Their Ohio State Scholarships.” No shit, Sherlock. Hmmm, two DBs out — two in for 2013. Eggman Math. Dominic actually texted to paraphrase, “If coach Tress were here, I’d be suited up to play.” Really? This is coming from a guy that had two infractions with the law and for strike three, shot a store window out with “a pellet or paint ball gun.” Really. Sounds like Barry Switzer’s Sooners with AK-47s at the dorms — or is that the Miami Hurricanes? Ah, the Good ‘Ole Days relived… What possesses a guy to take his last $20 or pair of Gold Pants and trade it for a Red Rider BB Gun? “You’re gonna put an eye out.”

I’ll tell you, PacMan, now known as Adam Jones (formerly from West Virginia Mountaineers, Tennessee Titans, others, and Cincinnati Bengal felon, roommate of Cedric Besnon) after 17 infractions with the law, in one year decided to fly to Reno, buy a gun and shoot up a strip club. Pure genius. For anyone with “Maff Skillz,” that’s more than once a month that this player awakens to his alarm clock, puts on his pants and shoes, then proceeds to go “F something up!” It’s Groundhog Day for serial mental case, Puxutuwany PacMan. I’d hate to be Cedric and PacMan’s manservant. Worse, if one of their wives burnt the toast. Good heavens.

Even worse, formerly OSU’s running back Jamaal Berry was “released from scholarship” which is P.C. for “Kicked to the friggin’ curb” was under “professional school supervision for aggression.” That would be the collegiate mental issue smokescreen, workaround for Double-Secret Probation. Guess what, he accosted a guy off-campus at a North Market parking garage and was subsequently charged for assault and Racial Intimidation, a Federal Offense (Felony). Ouch. Jamaal went outside of and popped the bubble. Get it? Dean Wermer, I mean Urban, pulled the trigger and acquired Blue Chip running back Brionte Dunn of Canton Glenoak from Meechigan. Cause and effect. Conspiracy theory? Perhaps. But, watch and learn.

Parents of players might see this as betrayal while alumni are chortling. Where Tress took one for the players, Urban is taking it to the team. As Buckeye beat Pros, Tim May of the Columbus Dispatch or BuckNuts recruit specialist, Bill Kuerlic (my old next door neighbor from Grandview Heights) alluded, Urban doesn’t have to have loyalty to the players recruited by Tress and they wouldn’t be surprised to see six starting Freshman in next year’s line-up. It’s a great recruiting tool for Urban also.

“Kid, You want to be a Buckeye… and be a Pro… and have a job after football… and possibly start? Don’t be stupid… Sign on before you lose a spot… Here’s a pen… Don’t make me ask you a second, third, forth or fifth time…” But, really, OSU’s greatest recruiting strength that stalwart fans saw as treachery are players leaving early for the Pros. Hey, dummies, you know the Buckeyes don’t rebuild, THEY RELOAD. Tressell’s abrupt exit and Urban’s staged, plotted, gregarious arrival is/was a necessary evil. Would Tress have been here for another 20 years? Would these cretins been running around “F-ing things up” or sellin their awards like $2 whores? Strong probability.

Moving forward… An idea for those who leave early for the Pros, pay your scholarship back to a player in need like USC’s (University of Spoiled Children) “mentoring” program. It might even make up for three lost scholarships per year for the next three years. Get it? Moving on…

Prophecy. A diabolical albeit legal way Urban’s going to dump losers. After the Gator Bowl, Urban announced “No tweeting” as a “Team Rule” then recanted a week later that, “You can Tweet, but not about the team!” Sounds good, except let’s say Urban has a fat, lazy, stupid lineman like JB Shuggarts, that jumps count 1 of every 10 snaps in the most critical moments. If you’re Urban, you have one of your peeps Tweet JB, “Man, you had a grrrrreat practice today… Coach was really impressed with your not jumping count all day.”

JB replies, “cOaCh sez I kiCkt bUtt 2dAy!”

Coach calls him into the office and says, “JB, you’re off the team!” JB sez, “whY coACh? U sed that I wUZ grAte in mY TWEET…. Dough!”

Buh-bye, dumb ass. There’s 17 more where that came from. Really. It’s in Tweet, I mean print. Eggman said so first. Cynical, however on the money. Rich Rod was an A-hole that even non-prima donas like lineman (Boren) defected. Ever hear of that before? Maybe a Heisman candidate backup running back, wide-out, or quarterback with no play time and bad attitude — but a lineman? You can make them eat dog doo for 6 years red-shirted and hand them a diploma in Underwater Basket Weaving after not playing a down and say, “Thanks for playing Scout Team for your four years son.” “thAnks cOacH.”

Anyway, the point is that Urban might be an enlightened despot, but he’s not a dick. He’s doing what he given license to do, “Un-dick” his/our/this team. And, although he has a year before winning another national championship, he’s already building two years ahead of schedule quickly, pragmatically, and methodically.

Go Bucks!

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